always my cheerleader (and a dream)

I wrote this post last night, but it didn’t feel complete. Two nights prior, on the “Toni day” I talked about in my last post, I asked her if she could visit me in my dreams again (i’ve had dreams concerning her, but she has only been in my dream once before). Last night, she did. Here is the post, left as is, followed by a description of the dream.

Toni was always my cheerleader. She was always there to cheer me on, no matter what I was working through. This is an excerpt from her last email to me, sent on the day of her accident. I had just discovered my oversupply issues and emailed her complaining.

“I commend you darling, I really do!  I can understand you hating it at this point, it’s very complicated.  I don’t want you to be disappointed that you’re not liking it b/c I know no matter what you wanted to love it.   There’s nothing wrong w/feeling that way.  J**** nursed up until 6 months, not solely, but majority and I figured she did b/c she loved it.  She told me she absolutely hated it, she did it just b/c that’s what she thought you should do.  Don’t put pressure on yourself, you’re giving it your all and that’s what matters the most.”

I didn’t respond, because we chatted later that evening….right up until she left for the night and got in her car. We always chatted “off the record” from the days we worked together and didn’t want our gmail conversations archived in our inboxes. I would give anything to have access to that chat, to confirm that I we wrote our usual:

“goodnight darling! love you! <3″

I miss her so much, when I really stop to think about it, my guts hurt. I wasn’t her bestest friend (although her mom calls me that, which I like), but she was mine. I felt more comfortable with her than I do with most people.

…

in the dream we talked for some time, but we were both aware that she was no longer alive. we were also both aware of the fact that we were on limited time. so we hugged several times, stayed in the embrace and kept saying: “I love you.” it was as if she answered the concern I expressed above.

at the end, we were walking side by side down a foggy street. i asked her another question. this time a very personal one. perhaps i will address it again if she gives me an answer on her next visit…