Angry is not a good way to ring in a new year
1 Jan
I woke up so fucking angry with myself. I promised I would only have 4-5 beers over the course of the night. While sober, this seemed okay. 4-5 beers over the course of 7 or so hours? I never felt really drunk last night, but I didn’t need those last 2. I think I had 6 (7?) beers. I didn’t say anything too stupid, too private, too embarrassing, but I was mean to Jim on the drive home. I woke up with a big headache and felt slightly queasy on the ride to our annual New Year’s Day Celebration with Jim’s family.
Overall, to quote Jim, I “wasn’t that bad last night.” It didn’t resemble the usual shitshows I put on. I just woke up so angry. I swore I wouldn’t wake up with a hangover. Shit, I swore 2 months ago that I was getting sober.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so fucking angry. So angry that, for me, having 1 or 2 makes me feel entitled to some kind of god damn medal. I am so fucking angry that I have trouble drinking responsibly. I am so fucking angry that I have this point where stopping is impossible.
I have made great strides over the past 60 days. Like Jim said today, he no longer comes home to find me purple-teethed, blue-lipped and covered in spills of red wine. 3-4 captain & diets do not accompany my evenings. I enjoy my favorite television shows and live to remember them the next morning. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to drink at home. alone. But I haven’t.
Before a new season of Lost, Jim and I like to recap the previous one. We started watching season 5 and I had to stop and admit to Jim that I wasn’t going to remember a lot of what happened. I had to explain that I wasn’t going to remember the episodes because I was drunk every time we watched it. How embarrassing? It’s our favorite show, what a perfect excuse to celebrate…you know…Wednesday.
What it comes down to is: I’m an alcoholic. I know that now. I have known it for a while. I just never said it. Well, I still haven’t said it. I only typed it. But that doesn’t make it any less real.
Wow, sister, I can totally relate.. Except I never really got angry, just really really shameful, and guilty. I haven't had a drink for 10 days, and that is definitely the longest I have ever gone in YEARS. All I can tell you, is that in 10 days, I have accepted that I can never drink in moderation, which really helps out when you are trying to ration yourself to two drinks a night/four a week/wine only/only on the weekends/don't drink alone, or whatever your rules happen to be. I decided that since I BREAK ALL THE RULES, ALL THE TIME… it's simpler to say, no booze, and be done with it. The strangest thing that has happened is that I realized today that my EYES looked different. Not as in "not bloodshot" but that is certainly different too, but in that, as the eyes are the windows to the soul, my eyes were no longer full of pain and anguish when I looked in the mirror. And I felt calm, calmer than I had in a long long time. If you want to be a mom, I can tell you, you certainly need to quit, for good. I am rooting for you. You can do it.
Hi Molly! Thanks for stopping by and for your advice. You're right. And for now, I have made the decision to stop. Thanks for your support.
Wow. This is a lot harder for you than I thought.
I'm always here if you need anything.
thanks big sister.