Solitary in Sanity

I have two posts up over at Your Tango’s Love Mom blog that I have not shared with you, my dear readers.

I’d love it if you checked out:

I’m A Responsible Mom and Wife– And Yes, I Have Tattoos

(don’t miss the comments)

Why Ridiculous Celebrity Baby Names Suck

Thanks!

Lately, whenever I am thinking about the future: when Elena can sit up on her own, entertain herself with toys, eat from a source other than my boobs, I yell, in my head: Stop! This is it!

THIS is what you dreamed about for years and years and years. You have a baby. You’re a mom. She’s perfect.

I need to stop looking forward to the next big thing, because this is it. Today. Right now. I am never going to get this moment back.

So an assignment that’s due on Wednesday or the fact that I might not have a clean towel for my next shower, can wait. Because this is it.

…enjoying my baby girl, trying to find some sort of balance between motherhood and work, and spending time with family. overall, just soaking up the good in life. like Elena during her siesta at the racetrack:

Or here, just hanging with her puppy sister

I hope your summer is beautiful. Talk soon.

The other night while we were in bed…

Jim: “Remember when it was just us in the bed? Then him, then her and now look, all three of them lined up here.”

Me: “And we have to enjoy every minute, because before we know it, it will just be the two of us again.”

Jim: “Well I don’t want to think about that.”

I’m so lucky to have him.

I think about Toni every night and cry. This motherhood thing just isn’t the same without her.

I feel awful saying things like this, because it’s her family that is really suffering…

But I miss her too.

I was excited to read about this series on A Cup of Jo regarding balancing work & baby. Especially since balancing…I am not.

I hope to come back and write more about this topic and my experience this far, just as soon as I catch my balance.

When I’m around my father, he wants to be sure he never catches a glimpse of me nursing Elena. So he’ll ask (with his head turned the other way), “You breastin’?” You have to know my dad to know how ridiculous this is. I admit, sometimes I find myself thinking about breastfeeding as breastin’

A few weeks back I reported that I hated breastfeeding. I am here to update you on the situation by stating that I no longer hate it. Everything I read was true: it got better. I’m still not totally comfortable in public. Elena can get fussy and just want to be at the breast, this isn’t exactly conducive to an afternoon with the entire family. I’m either walking away and going in an another room until she decides to fall asleep…only to go right back once she stirs again. Or, I am doing my best to conceal the goods with some scarf/sling contraption. I am hoping at some point, we get on a schedule of sorts, so I am not nursing so often. But I am not too sure I want the whole “I need my mommy and only my mommy to soothe me” thing to stop. I kind of love it.

I am still spraying the poor little lady…but not nearly as often. My supply seems to be balancing out.

I have had more than a few moments when she’s nursing and I just want to melt into a giant puddle. The whole thing is amazingly sweet. The days of crying out of frustration and absolutely hating it seem far behind us.

I am incredibly glad that I stuck it out and never gave up…even if I did lose hope several times. I know that formula fed babies are healthy, happy and intelligent (I am one), but I cannot imagine it any other way. Getting up in the middle of the night to make a bottle? Not for me. I can barely get myself set up to pump once or twice a week.

Well this was just a quick update before bed and during my awful-terrible-I-am-not-a-good-person-swedish fish snack time. I have more to say on the matter. I write that often, don’t I?

My friend Toni adored me and I could never understand why. She was the happiest girl I have ever known. She had a huge loving family, more than a dozen friends that she said “I love you” to and hundreds and hundreds of acquaintances that she actually cared for. What did she see in me?

When I met her nearly 6 years ago, I was pretty much alone. I had just graduated college. I was over a hundred miles from where I grew up and had virtually no friends in the area. Upon meeting me on my first day of work, she invited me to come to lunch with her every day. Not just “Nice to meet you. Good luck. I look forward to working with you.” But, “You’ll have to come to Saladworks with Jule and I every day.” Every. day. What woman says that to a woman she literally just yet? Toni, that’s who.

We bonded instantly and within a few weeks, we had our cubicles separated because we chatted too much. No one would admit to that, but we liked to joke about it.

She welcomed me into her new home that she had just finished remodeling. She introduced me to her friends and brought me over to meet her family.

We were good friends from the very start.

Jim worked with us and she sat by my side on our very first outing as “work friends.” The next time we made plans, she conveniently got sick so Jim and I could be alone. When things didn’t work out, she invited me over her house at 10pm and was my shoulder to cry on.

I remember when she came to work the day after her first date with Eric, her future husband. She told me he walked her to her car and kissed her goodnight. She was an old fashioned romantic.

We shared the details of our blossoming relationships and eventually, the excitement of our engagements.

She asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her. She didn’t invite her sisters or any of her bridesmaids. It was just myself, her mother and her future mother in law. I was her fashion consultant. She beamed when she came out in one gown and we all agreed it was the one for her.

A few weeks later – surprise! Toni was pregnant! Her and Eric married on the beach when she was 7 months along. I watched on in tears during the intimate ceremony.

Mia Rose was born in late August. Though she was totally unprepared for motherhood, she instantly became the most devoted mommy. She doted on that little girl like she had been planning her arrival for years.

Two months later, they went ahead with their traditional wedding at the historic Curtis Center in Philadelphia. It was hands down the most beautiful event I have ever attended.

Toni was my rock when I was laid off after 4 years of working with her, during my journey to sobriety, and while Jim and I tried for our baby. When I lost Lemon, I swear she was just as devastated as we were. She was there for me every single day. Her positivity, loving nature and ability to make me see things from a different angle literally got me through last summer.

On September 12th, when we found out we were expecting again, she was one of the first people I shared the news with after my own sister. She and Eric had been trying for a second since June, but that didn’t keep her from being excited.

On October 15th, she got her positive. I cried. We were the best of friends and we were pregnant together! Yet another strong tie to hold us together.

We shared every detail of our pregnancies with one another. Again, I swear she was just as excited for me to become a mom as I was.

I kept her updated when I went into labor. I had to call her first thing on the morning of May 14th because I knew she would be worried that she hadn’t heard any updates from me. She was one of the few people that understood that I needed to mourn the loss of my birth plan.

Toni, Mia and her mom were set to come and visit Elena and I on the Friday before Memorial Day. She was especially excited because my mom would be here too and she wanted our mommas to meet. That day at her 36 week appointment, her blood pressure was high and she had protein in her urine. Her OB sent her to the hospital and our visit was delayed.

That weekend she text me to say that she had to see us. She was sure she would deliver her baby that coming Friday, June 2nd. She just had to get here sooner, even if Mia couldn’t make it. We made plans for her to come over after work on May 31st.

She finally met Elena. She held her in her arms and said “I can’t believe I get to do this again so soon.”

Toni, who never liked to shop, was so shocked that she picked out a dress for my daughter. Everyone always says how nervous they are to shop for me. Years of friendship must have paid off – it is absolutely beautiful. She did a great job.

We kissed and hugged goodbye. I told her to be careful, because that’s what she always said to me.

The next day we chatted online like we always did. We talked about my breastfeeding troubles. She cheered me on, as usual. Around 6:30 we typed our nightly “Have a good night <3″ “You too <3″

On her way from a doctor’s appointment, Toni’s car was struck head on by another car. The driver claimed he was looking at the GPS on his phone.

Toni and her unborn son Ryan Jeffrey didn’t survive the impact of the accident.

On June 1st 2011, the entire world was robbed.

Elena lost her best friend before she ever even met him.

Just two weeks into motherhood, I was without my rock.

Shock pretty much describes the state I’ve been for the past 5 weeks. I stare at her picture and it takes me a few moments to truly understand that she’s gone.

All I know is that the only reason why I haven’t completely fallen apart is because her zest for life is alive inside me. Toni would want me to carry on and to be the best mother that I could be.

It’s what I’m trying to do.

I’ve never lost someone so close to me. There is so much more to say. Something with more depth. More love. But this is our story.

Though I never told her, I envied her impossible to match inner beauty. At the end of our story, my only wish is that this was the reason why she adored me.

I’m not talking about eyes…

The term baby blues seems so trite. Like, it’s just the baby blues. For me, they were terrifying.

Along the same lines, mentioning postpartum depression is treated like dropping the n word (sans the hate) – shock. horror. whispers “she has postpartum?”

That’s what makes the baby blues, which are perfectly normal and should just be called postpartum severe PMS, so scary. I lived in fear each day that I was suffering from PPD. That it wouldn’t pass. That I would need to be medicated.

One day in week 2 I told Jim that I missed our old life and while I knew how horrible that sounded, I asked him to please imagine how horrible it must feel to feel that way. A few days later, after the death of my friend, I told my mom that I was “not happy.” She took a leave of absence from work to be with me while Jim worked and went to school.

From the moment Elena was born, I was so focused on caring for her at all costs. Forgetting sleep, eating, showering, thinking rationally. I was like a robot: must.nurse.baby. I never stopped to take a moment to think about the weight of what was happening.

I was a mom! I’ve waited so long for this. I dreamt about this my whole life. She’s here!

I don’t know what to blame. My unexpected post-birth experience, the anemia, the troubles with breastfeeding, the fact that most people around me do not understand the nursing relationship. Or, maybe it was just plain hormones.

I was sad. I cried when she cried because I felt like a bad mother. I declined help from people because I was so determined to do everything my way. I wondered how in the world I was going to feel better. When people said it gets easier, I didn’t care. I wanted to love it now, not later.

The first 3 weeks were rougher than rough.

Of course, somewhere in there I lost my closest friend and her unborn baby. We shared our pregnancy with one another. For nearly 6 years, we shared the most intimate details of our lives with one another…but this is for another post.

I knew being a mom wouldn’t be easy. I was a know-it-all who expected to be tired and smelly. I also knew the demand that nursing would place on me. I guess I just never imagined how this would all make me feel. I assumed that despite all of that, I would be giddy and smitten with my little baby girl.

There seemed to be no room for that.

Then one day (on our 3rd wedding anniversary, but I don’t think that had anything to do with it), it was as if a veil had been lifted, a big, dark cloud moved the hell on out. I was happy! I fell in love with being a mother to my beautiful daughter.

Now when she cries, I’m a sympathetic problem solver, instead of a gloomy mess. When she’s smiling and happy, I am filled with joy. When she sleeps, I stare at her in awe, kiss her little nose and thank my lucky stars that she’s here and that she’s healthy.

It was just the baby blues. Whew. It was just the baby blues.

Did you experience severe post-baby pms or ppd?

If you want to laugh, I’ll share a little secret with you: I honestly thought that Elena would just sleep all day, waking to eat, play briefly, and doze off again. I thought that getting my work done would be a breeze, at least for the first 5 or 6 months. WRONG.

My beautiful girl is needy. I hate the term colicky, so I will go with “high need.” From week 3 on, she spent most of her waking hours crying. A good 3-5 stretch was spent eating, burping, hiccuping, crying, cat-nap, repeat. Luckily, she knows that nighttime is for sleeping. She’s out by 10 or 11 and just wakes to nurse 2-3 times. Since we co-sleep, I just shove my boob in her mouth and nod off. She wakes up between 6 and 7:30. I am thankful for this because I have not felt sleep deprived. I am just everything else deprived.

I should report my oversupply issues. Apparently my body thinks I have triplets because I make gallons of milk a day. One would think this was a good problem. It’s not. Symptoms of oversupply include spraying milk everywhere. On your baby’s face and in her hair. On the couch, at the dog, and at random strangers.

Okay, that last part isn’t true. For the baby, it means she gulps, chokes, gets pissed off at me and my boobs, has gas, spits up, and poops green. Basically, not only does the milk flow super fast down her tiny throat, but she is only getting the foremilk. What’s foremilk? It’s the milk in the front – duh. Which is basically like skim milk, it’s low in calories and high in sugar. After a few minutes, babies should get to the hindmilk, which is rich and high in calories. When you make too much milk and your baby only nurses briefly before nodding off or getting super frustrated because you’re shooting milk at her, she never gets this hindmilk.

There are several ways to try and correct this, though the process is slow. There are no quick fixes and basically your best bet is time. Oversupply issues start to resolve themselves between 6 and 12 weeks. Since last week (knock on wood) things have been better with spraying. I guess I am lucky they started closer to 6 than to 12. On Wednesday, I gave up dairy. This has been tough, but I bought some Silk Dark Chocolate Almond Milk at around noon today and it’s almost gone. 5 days without chocolate-y, milky, sugar-y goodness was no picnic.

I have to say, I’m starting to enjoy breastfeeding. Sometimes. Like when we’re sleeping and she doesn’t even need a light, she finds me and latches on. Her little hand will come up and rest on my breast as she drinks away, still sleeping. It’s beautiful.

Her behavior has improved these past few days. I don’t know if it’s the dairy or the supply or just that we’ve gotten over a hump. She loves her Momma and wants to be at the breast often. This is perfectly normal. It just means I have even less freedom than most new moms…assuming that a large number of new moms bottle feed.

Oh, and let’s not get started on nursing style. Sheesh. But I did get a haircut on Saturday and I felt chic for the first time in months.

Now that you’re up to date. Here are a few photos from my iPhone:

New hair

Elena & I on my 29th birthday

6 weeks old. Smiling today.

I have a few topics I need to write about. I will see what I can do about getting more hours in a day OR getting my daughter to take two long naps, in order to write about the following:

• Baby Blues. I had them for just over 3 weeks. I lived in fear that they would not go away and turn into the three dreaded letters – PPD. Thank goodness they did not.
• More on breastfeeding.
• The loss of my beautiful friend. My motherhood experience could never be the same now that she is gone.