Solitary in Sanity

My one and only meeting with a therapist included a discussion regarding alcoholism in my family. When I told him that my sister did not have a problem with drinking he replied, “So you’re the lucky one.” I laughed because I thought he was being sarcastic. Then he said “One day you’ll realize that.” Even though I had no idea what he meant, it intrigued me. Why was I lucky for having inherited the disease?

Today, when writing to a friend about our struggles with trying to conceive, I thought about what that therapist said. Writing, “Perhaps we are the lucky ones after all.”

Reflecting on this has been what’s getting me through today. Hopefully I can hold onto this…this realization of just how amazing my relationship will be with our eventual baby. Not a single day, a messy-faced kiss or even a poopie diaper will be taken for granted. I imagine cuddly moments wherein I tell my little one how they were a long awaited dream come true.

I dreamt about being a mommy my whole life.  When I met Daddy we learned that we shared the very same dream. Then one day, our little dream came true. That dream was you.

because my midday emails express just what i’m feeling, just when i’m feeling it, i’ve pasted one from Tuesday below. today, i got a hair cut, left the house for a meeting with clients and things were much,much better.

Each day things get worse, not better. Like with death they say time heals you…but with this, the longer I go without being pregnant, the worse it gets. I cry at the sight of babies, baby things, pregnant women. I know I will have a baby one day, but that doesn’t help my philosophy of getting through today. It hurts today, I don’t care about tomorrow or 10 months from now.

I’ve been crying every night since Thursday. I comforted myself by saying it was only at night, I just need to keep busy with work, dinner and reading during the day/evening. Well I started crying before and my heart was pounding so much I was afraid of a panic attack. So I laid down and fell asleep.

I’m waking up early, exercising, eating right, keeping busy with work, trying to stay positive. Nothing is helping to ease the sadness.

I’ve run out of tools in the toolbox.

—

I need to get back here.

is it completely insane that i wrote all of this? i worried from day one. did i know?

This was a rough weekend emotionally. I know I’ll be pregnant again one day, but each day is a constant reminder that I should still be pregnant. I leave the house and it seems like every women is pregnant and every person is toting an infant. We spent a lot of time in my husband’s hometown this weekend. I have this enormous guilt about letting everyone in his family down. And of course I know they don’t feel this way and maybe there is a better term that is escaping me…but they are such an amazing family and they were so overjoyed to learn we were expecting. In their family, it was like we were all pregnant. Jim is the oldest, was the first to marry and we were going to have the first great-grandchild. If I was the bearer of all that joy, then I was the reason it all went away. The reason why talk of babies used to be fun (when are you guys going to have a baby? we could really use a baby around here, you know!) and now it’s awkward and almost forbidden.

On Friday we were out with my inlaws and I turned around to spy the tiniest infant crying hysterically. My eyes welled up with tears. I thought my mother in law witnessed this and then later, while we were standing over her shoulder making fun of the Fingerhut catalogue she was reading, I noticed that she purposely double-turned the page to skip over a two page spread on baby items.

Yeah, 7 months of trying and one miscarriage and already I’m that woman.

This is the amount of things I have to buy in an effort to distract the man behind the counter from noticing the yeast infection medication. Some notes:

I buy CVS brand because when it says “compare to Monistat, First Response etc. I believe them wholeheartedly.

Jim and I really have been talking about getting one of these velcro ball sets for the beach.

CVS brand Animal Crackers are incredible.

I figured I might as well pick up the tests while I’m there.

The fire has been put out…for now. Damn antibiotics.

If you’re a man, I apologize.

Jim and I always joke that we’re totally prepared for retirement together. For many couples, staying home together day after following years of spending 40+ hours a week apart is horrifying. Us? We’re all set. I will explain in bullet format:

• Jim and I met at work. We worked in the same building for the first 3 years of our relationship. At first, it was cute, but by the time we moved in together and dinner table conversations were all about who-did-what-to-whom at work, we were in trouble.
• Two years ago, just after we returned from our honeymoon, Jim was laid off. A year later, so was I. In our defense, we’re not shit workers and we gave them our best for four years. The travel business, along with the rest of retail went to shit  and the women that run that company? Horrible pigs…but I digress.
• Given the economy and being a full-time student, Jim has never found work. He finished up his undergrad program in December and still, nothing. Now he’s all ready to head back to school for his masters and in the meantime he will substitute teach in a few area school districts. Many in-school hours will be needed for his program, so it makes sense. Most of all, I am happy that he made this decision instead of finding any old job that makes him miserable….but staying with it just because of the pay and benefits. I’m a super wife, I know. Oh, and you do remember when I told you this, so it’s not like we’re flat broke and living on the streets.

The point: If you recall, I work from home. Therefore Jim and I spend an insane amount of time together. It can make for petty, petty, did I say petty? fights. Daily. We are subjected to things that most couples aren’t. I know his daily routine along with each one of his bad habits and he knows mine. It’s pretty freaking amazing that we’ve made it this far.

The truth: When he’s gone, like right now, I miss him like Cleveland misses LeBron. Crazy? Absolutely, but at least we’re prepared for our golden years.

I could cite several aha! moments brought on by Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. One that is resonating with me today is enjoy the process. It’s a topic that I unknowingly touched upon in this post about decorating the lemon’s nursery. Half the fun is the anticipation of the process, then the actual process. The end result, while very satisfying, is really the end of the fun. Think of the anticipation you have while planning a trip and then waiting for the departure date. It’s like a prelude to the actual fun – therefore fun in its own right.

I want to apply this to TTC (trying to conceive if you’ve never relied on the internet when trying to make a baby). I want to enjoy the process. And no, not just the sex, ya perv. The anticipation. The happiness I feel with each new cycle. While it’s always a little sad to get your period when you were hoping it wouldn’t show – that day gives you your  CD1 (cycle day 1).  If you become pregnant during this cycle, that becomes the day used to date your pregnancy. There is also great satisfaction in identifying the signs of ovulation and knowing that you got in plenty of baby-making around that time. The joy in calculating your next possible due dates if you are successful is so much fun. “We can announce it to the family on this holiday, we would be due around so and so’s birthday or just before this big event, this time next year, we could be parents.” It’s all part of the process, and I vow to enjoy it – not curse it.

This winter was so difficult in so many respects. Between getting sober, going off my meds, and trying to conceive unsuccessfully for the first 3 months of 2010, all I wanted was for it to fly on by and be over. In my defense, that is easy to do during the long, dreary winter. Nevertheless, I vow to enjoy each day of this beautiful summer and to always remember to enjoy the process.

one might think it’s depressing to realize that there’s still so much left to work on. i think it’s a good thing – to never be complete. always learning, improving, striving to be better and better each day.

Number of warm, lingering hugs I received: 30+

Number of desserts I ate: 5

Number of times I feigned a smile: 10+

Number of tylenol taken: 8

Number of panic attacks I had: 2

Number of full balanced meals consumed: 1

Number of times I wanted a drink: countless

June 17th 10:20 am

This morning I actually got up and took jj for our morning walk. Poor guy has been so good, dealing with us being listless and me sobbing uncontrollably. I even lifted weights for a few mins. I’m a firm believer that exercise improves moods. We’re going to the beach today. We need to get out and live life. I can’t stay in bed until 1 pm ever again. Days of our lives came on and do you know the subject matter involves the same old shit from last I watched in 1998? Bo was taking about Hope.

Forget what I ever said about not working.

June 17th 12:35pm

Im astounded at the amount of inner strength that came over me this morning. I started and ended Wednesday in tears. Before bed, I told Jim that I couldn’t promise him that I won’t wake up crying in the dark again. Of course, he said “it’s okay if you do.”
I woke up at 4 again. I couldn’t cry. I didn’t want to. I didn’t need to. less than 48 hrs after discovering I would not be a momma in 6 months, I  got dressed, left the house and smiled at the girl working at Wawa. I even grabbed a piece of paper to use as a bookmark and on it, wrote a single word: hope.

June 17th 8:25 pm

Self pity won’t get me anywhere. I grieved for a day and I woke up today realizing that these things happen for a reason, that the words “not fair” are fucking ridiculous. One day soon, Jim and I will be parents. I don’t know where this strength came from…I’m proud to say that it didn’t come from a faith in god. I could, of course, wake up tomorrow in tears, but I doubt it. I have too much to be happy about. And with this new realization of just how sensitive pregnancy and fertility is, I know that next time around I will be more lax about trying to conceive. I never talked about it on the blog because I felt it wasn’t right. Trying for 4 months doesn’t exactly qualify as complaint-worthy. For some couples, it can take years. Shit, some people never find love or secure a life partner. Most people don’t wake up every morning to the cutest, most loving, and certainly the happiest dog in all the world. We do. To boot, we have an amazing group of family and loved ones. Everyone has come through with incredible words of support and kindness. Each message served as a reminder that we are loved, not to mention, incredibly lucky.