Solitary in Sanity

The woman you were and the positive attitude you so beautifully displayed doesn’t just live in my memory. It’s embedded in my soul.

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from Dr. Sacco (chief of neurosurgery and natural birth advocate)

i finally have a reason to enjoy the holiday again. of course, we cannot ever forget this…

this post is written like total shit. you’ve been warned.

Since the beginning of the “school year” I have been looking after my second cousins. I have talked about them before, as they were the family I lived with when I first graduated from college. The girls are almost-7 and 8. I pick them up from school and keep them until my cousin is home from work.

I was really excited to take this on because I wanted Elena to get used seeing other faces on a daily basis. Staying at home and not living super close to my family means she gets a whole lot of me. all day. every day. Now she gets to see her cousins regularly. She is already familiar with the school and smiles as soon as she sees the girls.

During this time, I have learned a few things:

1 – Although we have a box of fresh pencils, we did not have a single pencil sharpener.

2 – “Oh my God” is a bad word?

But to get to my point, I noticed something the other day when the little sister wasn’t with us. The older sister didn’t shut up the entire afternoon. I haven’t heard her talk that much since she was a itty bitty girl. She just let it all out. All of her wardrobe concerns, Spanish teacher drama and why it’s okay to like iCarly even if it isn’t educational. She just went on and on and on.

After I came home, I realized it was because her little sister wasn’t around being…well, a little sister. She wasn’t there to chime in with her “Well! Actually, my teacher said” or “Olivia L. told me that…”

Little sister is definitely the “squeaky wheel.” Aren’t they always?

I called my mother and asked her if it was like this with my sister when we growing up. She said “Well, yes. You were always louder and more dramatic.”

I feel sort of bad about this. Did I keep The Neat Geek from expressing herself because I was constantly talking? Constantly vomiting my emotions – be they happy or sad, silly or angry – all over the house?

Hello, Neat Geek?

Then as I sat around, staring at my first born (fingers crossed), I remembered that later on in the afternoon, after the big sister let it all out, she started talking about her little sister. “If she were here, she would…”

Which is just adorably sweet. After all that, she missed her. Or maybe she just got tired of having to do all the talking. Either way, the experience certainly opened my eyes to the whole idea of birth order.

Annnnd my eyes are closing. Sorry, you deserve better, really.

Thoughts?

I wrote this post last night, but it didn’t feel complete. Two nights prior, on the “Toni day” I talked about in my last post, I asked her if she could visit me in my dreams again (i’ve had dreams concerning her, but she has only been in my dream once before). Last night, she did. Here is the post, left as is, followed by a description of the dream.

Toni was always my cheerleader. She was always there to cheer me on, no matter what I was working through. This is an excerpt from her last email to me, sent on the day of her accident. I had just discovered my oversupply issues and emailed her complaining.

“I commend you darling, I really do!  I can understand you hating it at this point, it’s very complicated.  I don’t want you to be disappointed that you’re not liking it b/c I know no matter what you wanted to love it.   There’s nothing wrong w/feeling that way.  J**** nursed up until 6 months, not solely, but majority and I figured she did b/c she loved it.  She told me she absolutely hated it, she did it just b/c that’s what she thought you should do.  Don’t put pressure on yourself, you’re giving it your all and that’s what matters the most.”

I didn’t respond, because we chatted later that evening….right up until she left for the night and got in her car. We always chatted “off the record” from the days we worked together and didn’t want our gmail conversations archived in our inboxes. I would give anything to have access to that chat, to confirm that I we wrote our usual:

“goodnight darling! love you! <3″

I miss her so much, when I really stop to think about it, my guts hurt. I wasn’t her bestest friend (although her mom calls me that, which I like), but she was mine. I felt more comfortable with her than I do with most people.

…

in the dream we talked for some time, but we were both aware that she was no longer alive. we were also both aware of the fact that we were on limited time. so we hugged several times, stayed in the embrace and kept saying: “I love you.” it was as if she answered the concern I expressed above.

at the end, we were walking side by side down a foggy street. i asked her another question. this time a very personal one. perhaps i will address it again if she gives me an answer on her next visit…

here are a few things i have read and enjoyed lately…

empowering our babies with rituals – I love that this doesn’t use “schedule” speak when discussing rituals. I like rituals and have been working on establishing them with Elena for weeks now. Bath night, followed by walk night. Puppy blanket for naps. Make coffee with mommy. Head out somewhere in the car between 9 and 11. Be home by 1. Schedules, especially strict schedules, are a different story. I hate schedules. I don’t believe that they go hand in hand. We can have a naptime ritual that takes place at 12:30 or 2pm, depending on how our day went. Right? Thoughts?

a letter to my friend with breastfeeding struggles - loved it! and passed it along to a friend who is nursing a newborn. he is her second child, but like the article suggests, she had amnesia and just needed some fresh new support from a breastfeeding nerd like myself.

I read this post on A Cup of Jo about taking kids outside and was convinced about the theory, as I have noticed how quickly Elena will settle down after fussing once we step foot outside. Then I read this article regarding ADHD and my mind was officially blown. It all makes perfect sense, really.

This was read through teary eyes. I had a Toni day this week. Elena and I went to visit her and RJ again and it left her on my mind all day. This always leads to thoughts about her husband and daughter. A few weeks back, I bought him Matt Logelin’s book in the hopes that it might bring him some comfort one day. I recently peeked in on his blog and noticed he was dating again. I did some searching and found that article. I have no idea what Eric plans on for his future, but I do hope that somehow, some day, he finds happiness again. I want him to have a family. I want Mia to have siblings. Toni would have wanted that, for sure.

well, that’s enough for now. I hope to write something soon.

I think about Toni every night and cry. This motherhood thing just isn’t the same without her.

I feel awful saying things like this, because it’s her family that is really suffering…

But I miss her too.

My friend Toni adored me and I could never understand why. She was the happiest girl I have ever known. She had a huge loving family, more than a dozen friends that she said “I love you” to and hundreds and hundreds of acquaintances that she actually cared for. What did she see in me?

When I met her nearly 6 years ago, I was pretty much alone. I had just graduated college. I was over a hundred miles from where I grew up and had virtually no friends in the area. Upon meeting me on my first day of work, she invited me to come to lunch with her every day. Not just “Nice to meet you. Good luck. I look forward to working with you.” But, “You’ll have to come to Saladworks with Jule and I every day.” Every. day. What woman says that to a woman she literally just yet? Toni, that’s who.

We bonded instantly and within a few weeks, we had our cubicles separated because we chatted too much. No one would admit to that, but we liked to joke about it.

She welcomed me into her new home that she had just finished remodeling. She introduced me to her friends and brought me over to meet her family.

We were good friends from the very start.

Jim worked with us and she sat by my side on our very first outing as “work friends.” The next time we made plans, she conveniently got sick so Jim and I could be alone. When things didn’t work out, she invited me over her house at 10pm and was my shoulder to cry on.

I remember when she came to work the day after her first date with Eric, her future husband. She told me he walked her to her car and kissed her goodnight. She was an old fashioned romantic.

We shared the details of our blossoming relationships and eventually, the excitement of our engagements.

She asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her. She didn’t invite her sisters or any of her bridesmaids. It was just myself, her mother and her future mother in law. I was her fashion consultant. She beamed when she came out in one gown and we all agreed it was the one for her.

A few weeks later – surprise! Toni was pregnant! Her and Eric married on the beach when she was 7 months along. I watched on in tears during the intimate ceremony.

Mia Rose was born in late August. Though she was totally unprepared for motherhood, she instantly became the most devoted mommy. She doted on that little girl like she had been planning her arrival for years.

Two months later, they went ahead with their traditional wedding at the historic Curtis Center in Philadelphia. It was hands down the most beautiful event I have ever attended.

Toni was my rock when I was laid off after 4 years of working with her, during my journey to sobriety, and while Jim and I tried for our baby. When I lost Lemon, I swear she was just as devastated as we were. She was there for me every single day. Her positivity, loving nature and ability to make me see things from a different angle literally got me through last summer.

On September 12th, when we found out we were expecting again, she was one of the first people I shared the news with after my own sister. She and Eric had been trying for a second since June, but that didn’t keep her from being excited.

On October 15th, she got her positive. I cried. We were the best of friends and we were pregnant together! Yet another strong tie to hold us together.

We shared every detail of our pregnancies with one another. Again, I swear she was just as excited for me to become a mom as I was.

I kept her updated when I went into labor. I had to call her first thing on the morning of May 14th because I knew she would be worried that she hadn’t heard any updates from me. She was one of the few people that understood that I needed to mourn the loss of my birth plan.

Toni, Mia and her mom were set to come and visit Elena and I on the Friday before Memorial Day. She was especially excited because my mom would be here too and she wanted our mommas to meet. That day at her 36 week appointment, her blood pressure was high and she had protein in her urine. Her OB sent her to the hospital and our visit was delayed.

That weekend she text me to say that she had to see us. She was sure she would deliver her baby that coming Friday, June 2nd. She just had to get here sooner, even if Mia couldn’t make it. We made plans for her to come over after work on May 31st.

She finally met Elena. She held her in her arms and said “I can’t believe I get to do this again so soon.”

Toni, who never liked to shop, was so shocked that she picked out a dress for my daughter. Everyone always says how nervous they are to shop for me. Years of friendship must have paid off – it is absolutely beautiful. She did a great job.

We kissed and hugged goodbye. I told her to be careful, because that’s what she always said to me.

The next day we chatted online like we always did. We talked about my breastfeeding troubles. She cheered me on, as usual. Around 6:30 we typed our nightly “Have a good night <3″ “You too <3″

On her way from a doctor’s appointment, Toni’s car was struck head on by another car. The driver claimed he was looking at the GPS on his phone.

Toni and her unborn son Ryan Jeffrey didn’t survive the impact of the accident.

On June 1st 2011, the entire world was robbed.

Elena lost her best friend before she ever even met him.

Just two weeks into motherhood, I was without my rock.

Shock pretty much describes the state I’ve been for the past 5 weeks. I stare at her picture and it takes me a few moments to truly understand that she’s gone.

All I know is that the only reason why I haven’t completely fallen apart is because her zest for life is alive inside me. Toni would want me to carry on and to be the best mother that I could be.

It’s what I’m trying to do.

I’ve never lost someone so close to me. There is so much more to say. Something with more depth. More love. But this is our story.

Though I never told her, I envied her impossible to match inner beauty. At the end of our story, my only wish is that this was the reason why she adored me.

I’m not talking about eyes…

The term baby blues seems so trite. Like, it’s just the baby blues. For me, they were terrifying.

Along the same lines, mentioning postpartum depression is treated like dropping the n word (sans the hate) – shock. horror. whispers “she has postpartum?”

That’s what makes the baby blues, which are perfectly normal and should just be called postpartum severe PMS, so scary. I lived in fear each day that I was suffering from PPD. That it wouldn’t pass. That I would need to be medicated.

One day in week 2 I told Jim that I missed our old life and while I knew how horrible that sounded, I asked him to please imagine how horrible it must feel to feel that way. A few days later, after the death of my friend, I told my mom that I was “not happy.” She took a leave of absence from work to be with me while Jim worked and went to school.

From the moment Elena was born, I was so focused on caring for her at all costs. Forgetting sleep, eating, showering, thinking rationally. I was like a robot: must.nurse.baby. I never stopped to take a moment to think about the weight of what was happening.

I was a mom! I’ve waited so long for this. I dreamt about this my whole life. She’s here!

I don’t know what to blame. My unexpected post-birth experience, the anemia, the troubles with breastfeeding, the fact that most people around me do not understand the nursing relationship. Or, maybe it was just plain hormones.

I was sad. I cried when she cried because I felt like a bad mother. I declined help from people because I was so determined to do everything my way. I wondered how in the world I was going to feel better. When people said it gets easier, I didn’t care. I wanted to love it now, not later.

The first 3 weeks were rougher than rough.

Of course, somewhere in there I lost my closest friend and her unborn baby. We shared our pregnancy with one another. For nearly 6 years, we shared the most intimate details of our lives with one another…but this is for another post.

I knew being a mom wouldn’t be easy. I was a know-it-all who expected to be tired and smelly. I also knew the demand that nursing would place on me. I guess I just never imagined how this would all make me feel. I assumed that despite all of that, I would be giddy and smitten with my little baby girl.

There seemed to be no room for that.

Then one day (on our 3rd wedding anniversary, but I don’t think that had anything to do with it), it was as if a veil had been lifted, a big, dark cloud moved the hell on out. I was happy! I fell in love with being a mother to my beautiful daughter.

Now when she cries, I’m a sympathetic problem solver, instead of a gloomy mess. When she’s smiling and happy, I am filled with joy. When she sleeps, I stare at her in awe, kiss her little nose and thank my lucky stars that she’s here and that she’s healthy.

It was just the baby blues. Whew. It was just the baby blues.

Did you experience severe post-baby pms or ppd?

How lame of me to post after a hiatus on my birthday. I swear I’m not just looking for birthday wishes. I wanted to pop in and note that this day last year, I was filled with sadness…and hope. I told myself that by my 29th birthday, Jim and I would be parents. Well look at us now. Elena, though definitely a baby with high needs, has fulfilled our dream. Right now she’s sleeping, mouth wide open, with her head on  my breast. That is definitely her favorite spot, as it should be.

Hope you’re all enjoying the summer! If she stays peaceful, I will post a little update on how things are going.

My husband is a drummer in a band called Your Sweet Uncertainty. Formerly, they were Finding Westerly…about 100 years before I met him. Their latest EP, titled III, is available on iTunes.

Get yours today.