from Dr. Sacco (chief of neurosurgery and natural birth advocate)

i finally have a reason to enjoy the holiday again. of course, we cannot ever forget this…

How Sobriety Affected My Marriage

Dear Baby,                             3-8-11

I just wanted to check in to let you know how much I love you. I think about your birth everyday. I feel prepared, even if we haven’t  begun birthing classes yet. I am not afraid. Take your time, I’ll be ready when you are.

Love you,

Momma

This post was written for inclusion in Mama Kat’s Writers Workshop. The prompt?

What were you blogging about last year at this time? What has changed?

This week last year, I wrote Letters To A Fellow Sober-ess. It summed up an email/blogging relationship that I had built with another young woman dealing with getting sober. I was three months into the hardest time in my life(1. sobriety 2. trying to make a baby. though i wasn’t talking about 2 just yet). I wrote to her about going out to a bar for one of my husband’s gigs. I was proud that I didn’t want to drink, but being surrounded by people who were drinking was tough for me.

What has changed? Well I went out to dinner with friends this week and as soon as we sat down, I wanted a drink. Really, really wanted a drink. Maybe it was the warm weather, the fact that it was Mardi Gras, or just wanting to join in on the liquid cheer. After a few minutes, it passed. Though dealing with people who were drinking? Not an issue at all. I had a very nice time. Even if there were 7 sweet tea vodka drinks between Jim and Running on Empty Mommy.

In the past year, I’ve become more comfortable being Sober Brooke. I’ve become less angry when I’m surrounded by people who are capable of drinking responsibly. All in all, aside from cravings, I’m doing pretty well with sobriety.

Cheers to that! :raises glass of water with lemon:

Thoughts?

This post was written for inclusion in Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. The prompt?

If the way you spent your New Year’s Eve is any indication of how the rest of the year will go, how would you say your future is looking right about now?

As my first completely sober New Year’s Eve in ohhh, 10-12 years, one would think it was a rough night. It was quite the opposite. I spent the evening how I spend most evenings, with my laptop and my doggies. I worked on this post, I prepared some work for Monday. Then when Jim got in from work at 10:30, we ate takeout Chinese food and drank ginger ale out of champagne flutes. JJ and I wore party hats and we watched the CNN coverage of Times Square. We sat, as a family of 4.5, and laughed along with Anderson Cooper & Kathy Griffin. We talked about how it was our last NYE as non-parents. We caught a few low budge firework shows from our backyard and tucked ourselves into bed by 12:45.

It was beautiful. If this is any indication as to what 2011 will be like, bring it on.

But I continue to struggle with feeling my feelings without trying to numb them with something – whether that something is food or work or surfing the net. I think once you recognize that at your core you are an addict you are really acknowledging that you simply don’t like to feel many of your feelings and that numbing out is preferable – whether you numb out with booze, or drugs, or gambling, or work, or tv or food

Do I overdose in Internet information pertaining to whatever it is I am currently going through? Ack. I have spent an assload of time researching crib bedding and nursery decor lately…

My message isn’t clear here, is it? Do you have anything to add? I’m cranky today.

Giving up drinking was definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Marking 2010 as my most challenging right from the start.

It came in like a lion

After the disappointment I felt on New Years Day, I decided that was it. I was done. No more broken promises, no more “I’ll have this many, by this time” games. Done. I didn’t make any promises to anyone or grand announcements. I just stopped.

A few days into the year, Jim and I decided it was time to make a baby. We were tired of putting it off and waiting until everything was absolutely perfect financially. I had gone off the pill in October and there were no accidents. It was time to get down to business.

Planned sex, abstaining from coffee (on top of booze!), leaving behind the Paxil I’d come to love. Peeing on sticks, crying at the sight of red. 3 months of let downs. Then – a blue cross! Hooray! Share the news, buy clothes, decide on names.

Even in June, the lion continued to roar.

Bleeding, followed by: “Your uterus just doesn’t feel like it’s where it should be for 11 weeks.” Our first baby was gone.

I spent days in tears. An entire summer filled with sadness. Though in spite of all this, I don’t remember feeling the anger I felt at the start of the year. This was because in January, along with getting sober and making a baby, I made another quiet decision: I wanted to start anew.

It became clear to me that getting sober wasn’t going to happen until I rid myself of the negativity that had plagued me for years. I began rubies and love songs, and even on days when finding something cheerful to post seemed impossible, I stuck it out – missing just one week last month.

If it weren’t for this commitment to seeing the best in things, I know for sure that I never would have made it through the first few months of sobriety, let alone been able to deal with my miscarriage. I’m so grateful for that. :pats self on back:

The Lion grows tired and shuts up

My summer ended with the celebration of my mother’s 50th birthday, and another pregnancy. That same weekend, I became pregnant again, just 10 weeks after the loss of our first baby. How lucky?

The fall was spent worrying. Sure I was excited, but mostly, I worried. Then as this trying year came to a close…

The Lion was replaced with a lamb

We saw our beautiful baby girl on the screen, alive and well, and growing, just as she should be.

—–

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about having one, or three. I miss drinks. What I don’t miss is what comes along with them. And after the year I’ve had – the growth, the new found strength, the amazing insight – I really can’t imagine going back, or having to start again. I’m truly happy, even when I’m sad. Which is the opposite of being inherently angry, even when you’re happy.

So why isn’t the magnitude of one year sinking in? Why am I not extra emotional or overflowing with pride? Because I know there’s still work to do, there always will be. And that’s alright.

This weekend, while making pizza with Jim in between scary movies, I thought to myself “Man, if only I had spent last Halloween weekend this way.” That thought was quickly told to STFU. If last Halloween hadn’t gone down the way it did, who knows what my bottom would have been like. It could have involved law enforcement, tragedy, divorce. Despite the shame, I’m glad it went down the way it did, when it did.

It really feels a lot longer than one year ago. I guess that’s to be expected. Especially since 2010 has been consumed with the added grief of baby making and baby losing.

Since day one, sobriety has gotten a bit easier only because of time. That is, some days are rougher than others (even rougher than the first few days), but the more familiar I become with sober Brooke, the better off I am. My toolbox of “ways to get through without a drink” continues to grow, even if some days it feels like it’s totally empty.

I’m grateful for this past year. Way to go me.