Dear Baby,                             3-8-11

I just wanted to check in to let you know how much I love you. I think about your birth everyday. I feel prepared, even if we haven’t  begun birthing classes yet. I am not afraid. Take your time, I’ll be ready when you are.

Love you,

Momma

I don’t have children yet. I have dogs. So for my first Writers Workshop c/o Mama Kat, (via ComaGirl) I am responding to the prompt:

Dear Mommy and/or Daddy…(write a letter to yourself from one of your children)

The following is a letter written to me by new puppy, Lucy.

—-

Dear Mommy,

I understand we are just getting to know one another, but I would like to point out a few things. Please read carefully:

I appreciate all of your housebreaking efforts and peeing outdoors is cool, but I much prefer to poop on your floors. You could stop wasting your time saying “potty outside” because all I hear is “blah, blah, blah. hard wood floors.”

It seems that you and other dog like to go for long walks. That’s nice, but I think you can continue to carry me like the princess that I am. It’s really the least you can do considering how many “Awwws” I am contributing to your days.

Speaking of other dog…biting his tail is a whole lot of fun. Would it kill you to slather it in peanut butter? It would make the whole experience that much more enjoyable.

Regarding the tall bald man: is he deaf? Because you seem to be the only one that hears my cries in the morning. You should really have his hearing checked, at least for the sake of those bags under your eyes.

Whew, I am glad I got all of that out. Now that you’re better informed as to how I prefer things to go down, the rest of this puppy period should go well.

Love,

Lucy (aka Lazy Lu)

P.S. My purple polka dot leash and collar are awesome. You have great style and I want to thank you in advance for never putting me in a tutu or a t-shirt featuring a (not so) clever saying that prompts people to laugh at me.

Each day things get worse, not better. Like with death they say time heals you…but with this, the longer I go without being pregnant, the worse it gets. I cry at the sight of babies, baby things, pregnant women. I know I will have a baby one day, but that doesn’t help my philosophy of getting through today. It hurts today, I don’t care about tomorrow or 10 months from now.

I’ve been crying every night since Thursday. I comforted myself by saying it was only at night, I just need to keep busy with work, dinner and reading during the day/evening. Well I started crying before and my heart was pounding so much I was afraid of a panic attack. So I laid down and fell asleep.

I’m waking up early, exercising, eating right, keeping busy with work, trying to stay positive. Nothing is helping to ease the sadness.

I’ve run out of tools in the toolbox.

—

I need to get back here.

I am working on a Women’s History Month post. I swear.

That said, here is another email that I sent off to someone who reached out to me about her drinking after reading my blog. We’ll call her Veronica.

Good for you! Of course I want to hear all this. Any time you need to vent about it, I am here to listen. I wouldn’t put it all out there on my blog if I didn’t want to take part in a mini movement of sorts. I have wrote about it on my blog, but you should check out this book. It was the first thing I read after I made the decision to call it quits (for the second time) and it really allowed everything to ‘click’ for me. It was then I knew that a little bit, or moderation wasn’t going to work…at least not for now.

I have begun talking to a several women about alcoholism these past few weeks, through email/facebook. The response to putting it all out there has been amazing – it’s like a whole other plus to sobriety – really getting to know other women with the same issues.

If I can think of one thing to share with you that will keep you from picking up a drink, I will tell you how much weight has lifted off my shoulders in all of this. The guilt is gone. The next day guilt of “is Jim mad at me? do you think so and so knew how wasted i was? did he see me sneak that last drink? did i say anything to offend anyone last night? am i really buying a handle of captain on Monday night?”

All of that guilt is gone. and while sometimes I would give it all up just to get drunk one time -the next morning, i’d just be feeling guilty again.

So keep doing what you’re doing.

I realize that wasn’t a very strong closing, but hey, I’m new to this…and I’m certainly no expert.

My husband is in a cover band (and an original band. i know it makes for conversation confusion. “wait, which band?”) They had a gig in his hometown at a wine bar. Let me repeat this for emphasis. A wine bar. Looking back, it was an okay time. How did I feel about it last night? I wanted to rip my insides out. Here is the letter, complete with omissions for a bit of anonymity on my part.

The funny thing is…I didn’t want a drink. When I first walked in and saw those beautiful, giant wine glasses filled with red, I longed for one briefly. It passed very, very quickly. For me the hard part was dealing with drunk people parents while sober. My anxiety is soaring after giving up the Paxil that I was on since November. My ‘bottom’ involves (AnyTown) and (a group of people). It seemed as if ALL of them were there.  It was too much of that, too soon. That was on Halloween and this was the first time I have been out in that town since.

So, I guess I can say I am proud that I didn’t want a drink. Staring at those drunk people gives me a glimpse of what I once looked like…and well if I never look or act like that again, I will be very, very content.

I really enjoy your latest posts. Read them all. Though, I think it shows me that really working the program isn’t for me. 90% of everyone I know drinks. I could never, ever leave them behind. I need them now. They’re not holding me back or bringing me down. My battle with sobriety seems to be somewhere inside of me. My terrible, terrible nights have all occurred at home, when I was alone. Left by myself with my thoughts and insecurities? The only time I want to get totally, fall down drunk is when I’m alone.

It appears we’re on two alternate paths to sobriety, but I enjoy having you just across the way…

*Dear Georgia, I hope this doesn’t cheapen our lovely, sober, email romance. I’ll call you. I promise ; )