“If you’re anything like me, you’ll read a lot of blogs religiously. You’ll pour over the beautiful people and their stunning weddings on Style Me Pretty, their effortlessly cool homes on Design Sponge and their awesomely unique design and style ideas on Etsy. We love to read these sites for ‘inspiration’ but secretly, don’t they make us feel a little bit like a failure? Do you ever read blogs and think “I’m not beautiful enough”? Do you ever wish you had more to spend on your wedding? Do you ever wish you lived in one of those achingly cool, funky and stylish apartments?

Yeah, me too.”

I write for and contribute to six blogs, none of which are on par with Design Sponge, Style Me Pretty, Refinery29, Apartment Therapy, etc. Incredible Things was recently mentioned in the New York Times, which made me do flips in my living room, but it was – just a mention. I know I am good at what I do, but I always, always feel like I could be doing better. I know I should spend more time coming up with great ideas to move these blogs along, rather than just pumping out the posts I’m assigned to create each day. I read hundreds of blogs daily and while some leave me infinitely inspired, I can relate to Kat because some make me feel like a bit of a failure.

I swear I’m not totally whining about this, my purpose here is to show how Kat’s honesty, as posted on her incredibly successful blog, was one of those reads that left me inspired…inspired to feel perfectly pleased with my work.

If you read a lot of blogs, do you feel the same way? Or is there another medium that has the pesky ability to make you feel a little crappy about what you do?

Just because my baby died doesn’t mean everything else around me will (including Jim when he drives in the rain. I seriously kept him from going out one day because it was pouring and I had a bad feeling). Lucy is here, she’s adorable and sweet, and she’s mine. Just as JJ is my handsome little boy, she’s my pretty little girl. I love her and I know that she isn’t going to leave us for a very long time.

—–

Yesterday Jim asked me if I realized how different our lives would if I was still pregnant. Well, duh. He went on to explain that if I we hadn’t lost Lemon, he wouldn’t be starting grad school and we wouldn’t have Lucy. I asked him if he’d trade those things to have Lemon back.

“Of course I would, but these are two great things we have and one day soon, when we have our baby, we won’t be singing the same tune.”

I know that he’s right. Just hurry up, one day soon.

The moment I laid eyes on JJ, I cried. I was immediately attached to him. I fell in love instantly. When I met Lucy, this didn’t happen. My heart didn’t melt, the tears of joy didn’t flow. I told myself it was because of the different circumstances. I met her and her sister at her foster mother’s home. We had to decide which of them we would take home and we were sort of being interviewed. Days passed…well at this point 9 days have passed and I just don’t feel completely in love or totally connected.

She jumped off the couch last week (so brave!) and cried a little bit. Her eyes were closing and I was so, so scared. I thought she could have gotten a concussion. I put her tiny face up to the air vents and I kept her awake by talking to her. It was just before we were headed to bed, so after I put her in her crate, I went and woke her up three times over the course of the next hour. I Googled and Googled information about puppy head injuries. The thought of losing her shook me up. I thought to myself, this is love. I finally fell in love with Lucy.

Though still, nothing,

A few days ago, she jumped out of my lap and hit the floor again (I swear I’m a good puppy mom, she’s just a hell of a lot braver than JJ ever was). Once again, I freaked out. She was fine.

Nothing.

More than a few times, I’ve caught myself thinking about her dying. The groomer told me her ears were dirty and that she’s scratching at them too much. I made a vet appointment. Google “can dogs die from an ear infection.”

It just hit me.

I’m not connecting with her. I frequently have thoughts about her dying. Lemon. Duh, Lemon.

I don’t have children yet. I have dogs. So for my first Writers Workshop c/o Mama Kat, (via ComaGirl) I am responding to the prompt:

Dear Mommy and/or Daddy…(write a letter to yourself from one of your children)

The following is a letter written to me by new puppy, Lucy.

—-

Dear Mommy,

I understand we are just getting to know one another, but I would like to point out a few things. Please read carefully:

I appreciate all of your housebreaking efforts and peeing outdoors is cool, but I much prefer to poop on your floors. You could stop wasting your time saying “potty outside” because all I hear is “blah, blah, blah. hard wood floors.”

It seems that you and other dog like to go for long walks. That’s nice, but I think you can continue to carry me like the princess that I am. It’s really the least you can do considering how many “Awwws” I am contributing to your days.

Speaking of other dog…biting his tail is a whole lot of fun. Would it kill you to slather it in peanut butter? It would make the whole experience that much more enjoyable.

Regarding the tall bald man: is he deaf? Because you seem to be the only one that hears my cries in the morning. You should really have his hearing checked, at least for the sake of those bags under your eyes.

Whew, I am glad I got all of that out. Now that you’re better informed as to how I prefer things to go down, the rest of this puppy period should go well.

Love,

Lucy (aka Lazy Lu)

P.S. My purple polka dot leash and collar are awesome. You have great style and I want to thank you in advance for never putting me in a tutu or a t-shirt featuring a (not so) clever saying that prompts people to laugh at me.

Turns out, we didn’t have to compete for our newest pup. The other woman had already adopted a dog (translation: she wanted no part of that fiasco). After much debate and going back and forth and calling her several different names, we settled on Lucy. I get the “Lu” I always wanted and Jim doesn’t have to feel lame saying LuLu. Plus, JJ & LuLu is a little cheesy.

Lucy is a little sweetheart, who just so happens to love biting on her big brother’s tail. Each day JJ inches closer and closer to her when they’re lounging around. If you ask him outright, he’ll tell you he’s not really into her. Though when nobody is looking and she’s been in her crate for a while, I’ll see him sniffing around trying to wake her up.

Being a family of four/mother of two isn’t double the work…it definitely feels like more than double. Keeping them both happy, housebreaking her and adding in another personality to our daily routine has been exhausting. But, so far, she’s totally worth it.

More on Lucy later.

“We are all learning to live with this comfortable sadness that is now a part of our days.”

The situation she’s referring to is far worse than anything I’ve been through, but these words resonated with me. No matter how hard I try to remain positive, for as long as it takes to have a baby, I will carry this sadness with me.

——-

Moving on to stories you cannot make up….

About a month ago, I put in an application with a rescue group for 3 soon-to-be-available maltipoo puppies. I have been in contact with their foster mom for 2 weeks. She told me she would be setting up a meeting when the puppies turned 8 weeks old. We set a date for Saturday and then just a few moments ago I received the following email addressed to myself and “Susan.”

“…I will have two puppies for you to look at.  Only one is available for adoption so only one of you will go home with a puppy.  The person I select to take a puppy can then pick the one they want.  I’m sorry to do it this way, but I want to select the person/situation that I think best fits the puppy.”

Um, Babs, I do have a question. Did I inadvertently sign up for a reality TV show? Just how do you plan on wording your final decision? “Sorry Brooke, you have to go home. Susan, will you accept this rose?”

This could be a devastating situation for me.

If these puppies are 8 weeks old, they were born the week of June 15th. I can’t help but make the connection. I don’t know if we should make the 3 hour drive with JJ, just to be sent home with my heart in my stomach.

Some days I swear the universe is pushing me closer and closer towards a mental institution.

Of course, with this I am teasing my readers because I won’t tell you if it did happen, but I’m sure you’ll know it didn’t happen when I am back here. What I’m saying is, you can basically track my cycles by my blog posts. How very modern/TMI of me.

Today I bought my first teapot and earlier this afternoon, my mother in law gave me one of these tea-steeping devices. These things made me very excited for my evening tea. What a great way to end the weekend.

I’ve been drinking these organic herbal teas that are supposed to “support the female system.” Nettle leaf and red raspberry leaf, in particular. I started drinking them when I was pregnant (but after the missed miscarriage, so you need not worry about their effects) and now I’m drinking them to ensure that my uterus is the coziest place on earth to live for a little while.

Have a great week!

Today, when writing to a friend about our struggles with trying to conceive, I thought about what that therapist said. Writing, “Perhaps we are the lucky ones after all.”

Reflecting on this has been what’s getting me through today. Hopefully I can hold onto this…this realization of just how amazing my relationship will be with our eventual baby. Not a single day, a messy-faced kiss or even a poopie diaper will be taken for granted. I imagine cuddly moments wherein I tell my little one how they were a long awaited dream come true.

I dreamt about being a mommy my whole life.  When I met Daddy we learned that we shared the very same dream. Then one day, our little dream came true. That dream was you.

Each day things get worse, not better. Like with death they say time heals you…but with this, the longer I go without being pregnant, the worse it gets. I cry at the sight of babies, baby things, pregnant women. I know I will have a baby one day, but that doesn’t help my philosophy of getting through today. It hurts today, I don’t care about tomorrow or 10 months from now.

I’ve been crying every night since Thursday. I comforted myself by saying it was only at night, I just need to keep busy with work, dinner and reading during the day/evening. Well I started crying before and my heart was pounding so much I was afraid of a panic attack. So I laid down and fell asleep.

I’m waking up early, exercising, eating right, keeping busy with work, trying to stay positive. Nothing is helping to ease the sadness.

I’ve run out of tools in the toolbox.

—

I need to get back here.