Solitary in Sanity

I have written a few things over the past several days to try and honor my closest friend, confidante and number one cheerleader. Nothing is good enough just yet.

I’ll leave you with this article explaining what happened to the happiest, warmest and kindest person I have ever known.

Toni loved life. I envied that. I envy it still.

My sister says “it’s always the middle child.” Now that I have one, I know what she means. The other day my Lucy got a hold of a Motrin geltab that I must have dropped in my ouch-it-hurts-between-my-legs, my hips ache, I-haven’t-slept-more-than-2-hours-in-a-week, and my-nipples-are-bleeding stupor.

Yeah.

Luckily, Jim saw it hanging out of her mouth. I called the animal hospital and they said I better bring her in so they could induce vomiting. I couldn’t very well bring my 5 day old daughter, so Jim had to take her…without her Momma. My heart sank. Jim called a few minutes later to say they had to keep her, perhaps 2-3 nights. I freaked. When he returned home, I called the hospital and it went something like this:

“Listen, I just had my first baby 5 days ago. I am very, very emotional and tired. I cannot sleep with an incomplete family. I appreciate you taking extra precautions, but I need you to understand that she needs to be returned home to me asap.”

Yeah, I said all that. I must have sounded insane, but I had her in my arms by 1:30 the next day.

Today, Jim was grilling and the dogs were in and out with him. We finished eating lunch when the doorball rang. It was our neighbor saying something about our white dog. My heart dropped into my stomach. Elena in hand, we ran out the door to see Lu’s goofy face running towards us. The neighbor was cooing at Elena while I said things like “Oh my god Lucy. Oh my Lucy.” She asked how motherhood was going and I replied “clearly, I am not doing so well.”

Yeah, I said all that. She looked concerned, I motioned to Lucy. She said “Well, you have a lot on your mind.” Yes, but that doesn’t mean I can LOSE my other daughter without noticing.

I don’t know what I would do without all three of my babies. I really need to get it together.

So while Elena is doing pretty darn good, Lucy is already showing symptoms of middle child syndrome.

J & Lu checking out their sister

*i know the title is missing an apostrophe. it’s ridiculous.

Today is a day that people honor the special moms in their life. This is my blog so I’m going to talk about my dogs : )

I have been receiving lots of Mother’s Day wishes because I will become a mother to a human baby any day now. However, I’m already a Momma to these two:

I don’t put silly clothes on them, place them in car seats or buy them gourmet doggie cupcakes. I know that they are dogs and I’m not completely insane. But, they’re my kids. I mother them. They are my world. And while many experienced fur-baby-moms-turned-human-moms like to tell me “once the baby is born, they become just dogs,” I refuse to believe that. How in the world could I forgot all of the joy JJ has brought me in the past 3 years? In just 9 months, Lu has made me laugh no less than 4 million times. She saved me from my summer of sadness and I still believe that it’s because of her arrival that I became pregnant again. I knew once we got a new puppy, we’d get another baby. That’s just how the world seems to work.

A few weeks ago Jim and I had them in the vet’s office. The tech asked if the baby we are expecting is our first. I replied “Yes.” Then, in unison, we said “Well, third.” It was ridiculously adorable, if I don’t say so myself.

Anyway, this Mother’s Day, while I look forward to my DREAM come true (aka, my baby), I celebrate the babies I already have. Because frankly, they’re the cutest.

Allen Iverson reference? No?

Anyhow, it seems like the baby and Lucy had a little talk about getting us some practice. Lu woke up at 5, so I took her out to pee. After what felt like an hour later, she was up again. I didn’t bother to get out of bed. Big mistake. I have no idea what happened, but by 7:10 she was throwing up under the bed. Then I smelled the poop. Massive poop, lurking somewhere upstairs. And all I could think was here we go again.

I took care of business and brought her back in bed for a few minutes before I had to begin work at 8.

Jim: I still smell poop.

It was coming out of her…all over the bed. Like leaking! I know this is why you don’t let dogs in the bed, but shutup for a minute.

So I tell Jim to take the sheets off the bed.

Jim: Shouldn’t I wipe off the poop first?

Me: Nope. You’re going to take it downstairs and rinse it in the slop sink, just like we’re going to do with cloth diapers.

And right there, at that moment, I stopped being all “WaAHHHhh” about the situation and realized: We talkin’ ’bout practice.

My latest post with Your Tango’s LoveMom blog is up and running.

How Sobriety Affected My Marriage

formerly known as The Puffin Chronicles. that name just never stuck.

Dear Baby,                             3-8-11

I just wanted to check in to let you know how much I love you. I think about your birth everyday. I feel prepared, even if we haven’t  begun birthing classes yet. I am not afraid. Take your time, I’ll be ready when you are.

Love you,

Momma

This post was written for inclusion in Mama Kat’s Writers Workshop. The prompt?

What were you blogging about last year at this time? What has changed?

This week last year, I wrote Letters To A Fellow Sober-ess. It summed up an email/blogging relationship that I had built with another young woman dealing with getting sober. I was three months into the hardest time in my life(1. sobriety 2. trying to make a baby. though i wasn’t talking about 2 just yet). I wrote to her about going out to a bar for one of my husband’s gigs. I was proud that I didn’t want to drink, but being surrounded by people who were drinking was tough for me.

What has changed? Well I went out to dinner with friends this week and as soon as we sat down, I wanted a drink. Really, really wanted a drink. Maybe it was the warm weather, the fact that it was Mardi Gras, or just wanting to join in on the liquid cheer. After a few minutes, it passed. Though dealing with people who were drinking? Not an issue at all. I had a very nice time. Even if there were 7 sweet tea vodka drinks between Jim and Running on Empty Mommy.

In the past year, I’ve become more comfortable being Sober Brooke. I’ve become less angry when I’m surrounded by people who are capable of drinking responsibly. All in all, aside from cravings, I’m doing pretty well with sobriety.

Cheers to that! :raises glass of water with lemon:

A few weeks back I told you about my family’s devastating loss. Well, KAM or Kindness Above Malice is up and running. If you have a moment, I would love it if you took the time to learn more about the foundation. Share the link, spread the word, “Like” on Facebook. Every little bit helps when it comes to grassroots projects like this.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

My latest post with Your Tango’s LoveMom Blog is up and running!

Why Our Parenting Styles Are Predetermined

I just want you all to know that I really want to write here. I have all these posts written in my head. If I figure out how to get an RSS feed linked up there, I’ll let you know.

*And then when I figure out how to get characters like APOSTROPHES to show up in my titles, I’m throwing a freaking party.