Solitary in Sanity

I love when I read a post and I’m nodding my head in “yes, yes, yes!” mode. Stefanie Wilder Taylor’s Don’t Get Drunk Fridays was such an enormous help earlier this year. It was so beneficial to identify with other female problem drinkers. As time went on, and my major problem shifted, I sought out women who had suffered miscarriages to identify with. Like this guest post-er on Stefanie’s blog points out:

But I continue to struggle with feeling my feelings without trying to numb them with something – whether that something is food or work or surfing the net. I think once you recognize that at your core you are an addict you are really acknowledging that you simply don’t like to feel many of your feelings and that numbing out is preferable – whether you numb out with booze, or drugs, or gambling, or work, or tv or food

Do I overdose in Internet information pertaining to whatever it is I am currently going through? Ack. I have spent an assload of time researching crib bedding and nursery decor lately…

My message isn’t clear here, is it? Do you have anything to add? I’m cranky today.

I still haven’t let it sink in. Today marks one year. One year since this – evidence that I started off 2010 feeling angry, guilty, let down by myself once again. What a difference a year makes. Angry still happens daily and passes, but I wake up each morning with a clear head and filled with positivity, even if I wish it was 9:30 instead of 7:30.

Giving up drinking was definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Marking 2010 as my most challenging right from the start.

It came in like a lion

After the disappointment I felt on New Years Day, I decided that was it. I was done. No more broken promises, no more “I’ll have this many, by this time” games. Done. I didn’t make any promises to anyone or grand announcements. I just stopped.

A few days into the year, Jim and I decided it was time to make a baby. We were tired of putting it off and waiting until everything was absolutely perfect financially. I had gone off the pill in October and there were no accidents. It was time to get down to business.

Planned sex, abstaining from coffee (on top of booze!), leaving behind the Paxil I’d come to love. Peeing on sticks, crying at the sight of red. 3 months of let downs. Then – a blue cross! Hooray! Share the news, buy clothes, decide on names.

Even in June, the lion continued to roar.

Bleeding, followed by: “Your uterus just doesn’t feel like it’s where it should be for 11 weeks.” Our first baby was gone.

I spent days in tears. An entire summer filled with sadness. Though in spite of all this, I don’t remember feeling the anger I felt at the start of the year. This was because in January, along with getting sober and making a baby, I made another quiet decision: I wanted to start anew.

It became clear to me that getting sober wasn’t going to happen until I rid myself of the negativity that had plagued me for years. I began rubies and love songs, and even on days when finding something cheerful to post seemed impossible, I stuck it out – missing just one week last month.

If it weren’t for this commitment to seeing the best in things, I know for sure that I never would have made it through the first few months of sobriety, let alone been able to deal with my miscarriage. I’m so grateful for that. :pats self on back:

The Lion grows tired and shuts up

My summer ended with the celebration of my mother’s 50th birthday, and another pregnancy. That same weekend, I became pregnant again, just 10 weeks after the loss of our first baby. How lucky?

The fall was spent worrying. Sure I was excited, but mostly, I worried. Then as this trying year came to a close…

The Lion was replaced with a lamb

We saw our beautiful baby girl on the screen, alive and well, and growing, just as she should be.

—–

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about having one, or three. I miss drinks. What I don’t miss is what comes along with them. And after the year I’ve had – the growth, the new found strength, the amazing insight – I really can’t imagine going back, or having to start again. I’m truly happy, even when I’m sad. Which is the opposite of being inherently angry, even when you’re happy.

So why isn’t the magnitude of one year sinking in? Why am I not extra emotional or overflowing with pride? Because I know there’s still work to do, there always will be. And that’s alright.

Our Christmas weekend was beautiful. I hope yours was too! This was taken at my parents home on Christmas Day. I finally started “styling the bump” (2nd trimester tip taken from Ain’t No Mom Jeans) on Christmas Eve. No more hiding it in fear of just looking like I ate too many burgers. Yipeeee!

Jim, Lucy, Me, JJ & nearly 19 week bump!

During the week where everyone is talking about what they are thankful for (aka, to me anyway, gratefulosity), I have to take a moment to talk about my dogs. To some, it may seem silly, but I am so, so thankful for their cute faces, little personalities, and endless amounts love and affection. Of course, there are several moments a day when I want to put them on the front porch wearing a for sale sign, but those moments are never worth talking about. Besides, they’d bark and bark to come back in anyway.

The other day my aunt was praising me for rescuing Lucy. It’s true, Lucy is a rescue dog, but this term makes me feel silly. If it weren’t for us, another amazing family would have scooped her up. We’re not talking about a 8 year old pitbull with fleas. Anyway, I commented on the wall post “sometimes I feel like she saved me.”

It’s true. Many people who know me probably think I got Lucy to make up for Lemon. The truth is, I’ve wanted another dog since soon after we welcomed JJ into our lives. I think dogs need a dog pal. So, briefly, Lu did occupy my aching heart and idle hands. But now? She’s just snuggled up into our hearts and JJ (though he’ll never admit it) adores her. Late at night you’ll find them head-to-butt, sleeping together. Or, when he’s snoozing in his bed she’ll waltz on over and you can catch him making room for her.

Our days are far more entertaining because of them. And our hearts, fuller. While I can’t wait to meet our human baby in May, there’s another moment that I long for – the meeting of all three of my children. I just know it will be love at first sight for all of us.

it seems that throughout my pregnancy, they’ve never left my side

sunday morning on the couch. note Lucy watching TV.

My sister loves gadgets. She knows how to use them, reads their manuals, and takes care of them way longer than most people me. She is also very, very organized. Thus, her new blog project – The Neat Geek. Check it out!

If November 1st 2009 was day one, that makes today day 365. Or is it 366? I’m bad at math, but I’m pretty good at changing my life and staying sober – which is quite cooler. I haven’t been sober for a year (that came a few weeks later), but a year ago today I decided that I needed to end my relationship with the drink.

This weekend, while making pizza with Jim in between scary movies, I thought to myself “Man, if only I had spent last Halloween weekend this way.” That thought was quickly told to STFU. If last Halloween hadn’t gone down the way it did, who knows what my bottom would have been like. It could have involved law enforcement, tragedy, divorce. Despite the shame, I’m glad it went down the way it did, when it did.

It really feels a lot longer than one year ago. I guess that’s to be expected. Especially since 2010 has been consumed with the added grief of baby making and baby losing.

Since day one, sobriety has gotten a bit easier only because of time. That is, some days are rougher than others (even rougher than the first few days), but the more familiar I become with sober Brooke, the better off I am. My toolbox of “ways to get through without a drink” continues to grow, even if some days it feels like it’s totally empty.

I’m grateful for this past year. Way to go me.

I just needed to put this somewhere so I don’t forget about it. I want this book. Trip to Barnes & Noble? Yes.

Today’s Big New Book Release via Elle.com

After my whining post about being lonely (I have since removed it) I went to visit my sister and her family with our parents. Then on Saturday Jim and I went to dinner with my cousin. It was nice to get out and to be a part of the world. I do it so infrequently these days, though it’s only partly my fault. I tend to blame the world for being a bit of an asshole. We went and did a little window shopping on Saturday afternoon…the stupidity and rudeness that exists out there is astounding.  I hate to say things like that, but it’s true. People that don’t say please and thank you, or those who walk around pushing and shoving and cutting you off like they are the only beings in the entire world – not cool. It all just makes me want to crawl back home once again.

Today I got an email from a very dear friend who told me just yesterday that she was done smoking. I’ve heard it before. She quit during pregnancy. That always amazes me, when women return to smoking after abstaining during pregnancy. At any rate, I love her, so I couldn’t blow smoke up her ass when she fed me some excuses about this not being the best time to quit. Some of my best inspirational writing is in the form of emails to the amazing women I know. And I only feel a little guilty about posting them. She rarely reads here and hopefully, by the time she comes across it, she’ll already be through the most difficult part of quitting.