Solitary in Sanity

My sister says “it’s always the middle child.” Now that I have one, I know what she means. The other day my Lucy got a hold of a Motrin geltab that I must have dropped in my ouch-it-hurts-between-my-legs, my hips ache, I-haven’t-slept-more-than-2-hours-in-a-week, and my-nipples-are-bleeding stupor.

Yeah.

Luckily, Jim saw it hanging out of her mouth. I called the animal hospital and they said I better bring her in so they could induce vomiting. I couldn’t very well bring my 5 day old daughter, so Jim had to take her…without her Momma. My heart sank. Jim called a few minutes later to say they had to keep her, perhaps 2-3 nights. I freaked. When he returned home, I called the hospital and it went something like this:

“Listen, I just had my first baby 5 days ago. I am very, very emotional and tired. I cannot sleep with an incomplete family. I appreciate you taking extra precautions, but I need you to understand that she needs to be returned home to me asap.”

Yeah, I said all that. I must have sounded insane, but I had her in my arms by 1:30 the next day.

Today, Jim was grilling and the dogs were in and out with him. We finished eating lunch when the doorball rang. It was our neighbor saying something about our white dog. My heart dropped into my stomach. Elena in hand, we ran out the door to see Lu’s goofy face running towards us. The neighbor was cooing at Elena while I said things like “Oh my god Lucy. Oh my Lucy.” She asked how motherhood was going and I replied “clearly, I am not doing so well.”

Yeah, I said all that. She looked concerned, I motioned to Lucy. She said “Well, you have a lot on your mind.” Yes, but that doesn’t mean I can LOSE my other daughter without noticing.

I don’t know what I would do without all three of my babies. I really need to get it together.

So while Elena is doing pretty darn good, Lucy is already showing symptoms of middle child syndrome.

J & Lu checking out their sister

*i know the title is missing an apostrophe. it’s ridiculous.

Today is a day that people honor the special moms in their life. This is my blog so I’m going to talk about my dogs : )

I have been receiving lots of Mother’s Day wishes because I will become a mother to a human baby any day now. However, I’m already a Momma to these two:

I don’t put silly clothes on them, place them in car seats or buy them gourmet doggie cupcakes. I know that they are dogs and I’m not completely insane. But, they’re my kids. I mother them. They are my world. And while many experienced fur-baby-moms-turned-human-moms like to tell me “once the baby is born, they become just dogs,” I refuse to believe that. How in the world could I forgot all of the joy JJ has brought me in the past 3 years? In just 9 months, Lu has made me laugh no less than 4 million times. She saved me from my summer of sadness and I still believe that it’s because of her arrival that I became pregnant again. I knew once we got a new puppy, we’d get another baby. That’s just how the world seems to work.

A few weeks ago Jim and I had them in the vet’s office. The tech asked if the baby we are expecting is our first. I replied “Yes.” Then, in unison, we said “Well, third.” It was ridiculously adorable, if I don’t say so myself.

Anyway, this Mother’s Day, while I look forward to my DREAM come true (aka, my baby), I celebrate the babies I already have. Because frankly, they’re the cutest.

Allen Iverson reference? No?

Anyhow, it seems like the baby and Lucy had a little talk about getting us some practice. Lu woke up at 5, so I took her out to pee. After what felt like an hour later, she was up again. I didn’t bother to get out of bed. Big mistake. I have no idea what happened, but by 7:10 she was throwing up under the bed. Then I smelled the poop. Massive poop, lurking somewhere upstairs. And all I could think was here we go again.

I took care of business and brought her back in bed for a few minutes before I had to begin work at 8.

Jim: I still smell poop.

It was coming out of her…all over the bed. Like leaking! I know this is why you don’t let dogs in the bed, but shutup for a minute.

So I tell Jim to take the sheets off the bed.

Jim: Shouldn’t I wipe off the poop first?

Me: Nope. You’re going to take it downstairs and rinse it in the slop sink, just like we’re going to do with cloth diapers.

And right there, at that moment, I stopped being all “WaAHHHhh” about the situation and realized: We talkin’ ’bout practice.

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Why Our Parenting Styles Are Predetermined

Lucy woke up a 6. It’s my morning on duty, so I took her out.

We came back to bed.

JJ woke up at 7:20. My alarm is set for 7:30 so we get up. Go outside in 6 inches of snow.

Then I prepare breakfast for both of them.

Presumably, JJ ate all of Lucy’s food. This is a fun breakfast routine. If I don’t stay in the kitchen to monitor, Lucy doesn’t eat much.

I begin work while Jim shovels the snow.

At some point, Lucy poops and decides that because she didn’t eat breakfast, she will eat her poop.

Within 2 hours, she is vomiting (the poop) all over the house. This is poop + vomit all in one package. On the floor, on JJ’s bed, on a blanket on the couch.

Rinse said materials in the slop sink. Throw them all in washing machine.

Jim cleans up the messes and the floors.

Make white rice (cradling a shivering 7lb puppy in my hand). Grab a medicine dropper thingy and squirt pedialyte in her mouth.

Get her settled on the couch.

After she rests for an hour or so, I try to get her to eat some rice.

I make sure to keep JJ away so the cycle doesn’t repeat itself.

I still smell like vomit. I’ll exercise and shower soon. But I’m staring at this currently weak little lady curled up in my leopard print snuggie and my heart swells.

—–

This was my morning. But when it comes to having a baby, I really just need to WAIT AND SEE how tough it will be. I have NO idea. My days are so peaceful and calm and uneventful, my whole world is going to be rocked in May. Right?

Can I drop the subject from now on? I’ll try.

Our Christmas weekend was beautiful. I hope yours was too! This was taken at my parents home on Christmas Day. I finally started “styling the bump” (2nd trimester tip taken from Ain’t No Mom Jeans) on Christmas Eve. No more hiding it in fear of just looking like I ate too many burgers. Yipeeee!

Jim, Lucy, Me, JJ & nearly 19 week bump!

During the week where everyone is talking about what they are thankful for (aka, to me anyway, gratefulosity), I have to take a moment to talk about my dogs. To some, it may seem silly, but I am so, so thankful for their cute faces, little personalities, and endless amounts love and affection. Of course, there are several moments a day when I want to put them on the front porch wearing a for sale sign, but those moments are never worth talking about. Besides, they’d bark and bark to come back in anyway.

The other day my aunt was praising me for rescuing Lucy. It’s true, Lucy is a rescue dog, but this term makes me feel silly. If it weren’t for us, another amazing family would have scooped her up. We’re not talking about a 8 year old pitbull with fleas. Anyway, I commented on the wall post “sometimes I feel like she saved me.”

It’s true. Many people who know me probably think I got Lucy to make up for Lemon. The truth is, I’ve wanted another dog since soon after we welcomed JJ into our lives. I think dogs need a dog pal. So, briefly, Lu did occupy my aching heart and idle hands. But now? She’s just snuggled up into our hearts and JJ (though he’ll never admit it) adores her. Late at night you’ll find them head-to-butt, sleeping together. Or, when he’s snoozing in his bed she’ll waltz on over and you can catch him making room for her.

Our days are far more entertaining because of them. And our hearts, fuller. While I can’t wait to meet our human baby in May, there’s another moment that I long for – the meeting of all three of my children. I just know it will be love at first sight for all of us.

it seems that throughout my pregnancy, they’ve never left my side

sunday morning on the couch. note Lucy watching TV.

I love it when you find the littlest bit of sun and plop down in it.

xo,

Momma

This post wasn’t quite finished – but I felt any further explanation would have just rambled on. I planned on coming back to it the next day, but then it finally happened. I fell in love with my Lu. It was as if coming to the realization that my miscarriage was the reason I wasn’t connecting with my new puppy allowed it to happen. I talked it out with Jim, typed it all up, slept with the issue on my mind and woke up to finally accept this little cutie as my own.

Just because my baby died doesn’t mean everything else around me will (including Jim when he drives in the rain. I seriously kept him from going out one day because it was pouring and I had a bad feeling). Lucy is here, she’s adorable and sweet, and she’s mine. Just as JJ is my handsome little boy, she’s my pretty little girl. I love her and I know that she isn’t going to leave us for a very long time.

—–

Yesterday Jim asked me if I realized how different our lives would if I was still pregnant. Well, duh. He went on to explain that if I we hadn’t lost Lemon, he wouldn’t be starting grad school and we wouldn’t have Lucy. I asked him if he’d trade those things to have Lemon back.

“Of course I would, but these are two great things we have and one day soon, when we have our baby, we won’t be singing the same tune.”

I know that he’s right. Just hurry up, one day soon.

Moments ago, I realized what the hell it is between Lucy and I. Before I begin: yes I know she’s a dog. I treat my dogs like children. If you have a problem with this and you have dogs, I feel sorry for them.

The moment I laid eyes on JJ, I cried. I was immediately attached to him. I fell in love instantly. When I met Lucy, this didn’t happen. My heart didn’t melt, the tears of joy didn’t flow. I told myself it was because of the different circumstances. I met her and her sister at her foster mother’s home. We had to decide which of them we would take home and we were sort of being interviewed. Days passed…well at this point 9 days have passed and I just don’t feel completely in love or totally connected.

She jumped off the couch last week (so brave!) and cried a little bit. Her eyes were closing and I was so, so scared. I thought she could have gotten a concussion. I put her tiny face up to the air vents and I kept her awake by talking to her. It was just before we were headed to bed, so after I put her in her crate, I went and woke her up three times over the course of the next hour. I Googled and Googled information about puppy head injuries. The thought of losing her shook me up. I thought to myself, this is love. I finally fell in love with Lucy.

Though still, nothing,

A few days ago, she jumped out of my lap and hit the floor again (I swear I’m a good puppy mom, she’s just a hell of a lot braver than JJ ever was). Once again, I freaked out. She was fine.

Nothing.

More than a few times, I’ve caught myself thinking about her dying. The groomer told me her ears were dirty and that she’s scratching at them too much. I made a vet appointment. Google “can dogs die from an ear infection.”

It just hit me.

I’m not connecting with her. I frequently have thoughts about her dying. Lemon. Duh, Lemon.