Never before has a year flown by like this one has. I have been doing a great job of living in the moment and remaining very present. I completely, 100% understand how quick this life passes along. I’ve experienced far too many losses and heartaches in recent years to take anything for granted.

Do I still sweat the small stuff? Yes. Am I guilty of losing my cool? Of course. But the hard wiring in this almost 30 year old brain gets re-trained each day. I take every opportunity I can to learn from my mistakes. To do better next time…do better, always.

“momma, i’m just going to keep on growing, so you better slow down and pay close attention”

Jim was adamant about not making a huge deal and spending lots of cash. He is rarely adamant about anything, so I was happy to agree with him. First birthdays are more for the grown-ups (and the photos) because the birthday boy or girl has absolutely no clue.

I can’t even believe a year has passed…

Here is the simple invite. I am posting here to get a discount from Shutterfly = )

It’s the others. The advice. The looks. The questions about her sleep. The way that nobody every asks about breastfeeding anymore. Like I shouldn’t talk about it, because it’s just so weird that I’m still doing it.

Then again, this could be all in my head. It’s only going to get worse. I haven’t even begun to think about weaning. She’ll let me know when she’s ready. There’s no way I can ever say no. That seems absolutely awful to me.

I’m proud of what I’ve done in the past year. I have kept a child alive with my body, and my body alone, for 11 months. And that’s just the time she’s spent on the outside. My body has been nourishing Elena since August 2010. God damn it, I do deserve a medal. I want to shout it from the rooftops! No formula company, baby food manufacturer, brand of bottles or pacifiers can take credit for the beauty you see below. Me. All Me.

:sticks tongue out:

Sigh.

Jim is finishing up his graduate internship in about 18 days. This means he will be home. He can go back to work at his old part time job. Or we can continue to survive the way we have been and he can stay with E for a few hours a day while I leave to get some work done. It’s been so long since I’ve had all 7 evenings to myself, I can’t even imagine what it would be like!

This is a discussion the Mr. and I need to have.

My work is important to me and I’m afraid at 9pm, it’s not getting the best of me.

I do pop in and do some things while she naps. But on those days it truly feels like I don’t have a single moment to myself. Mom-work-mom-work-bed.

Anyway, it’s Thursday. Which means after I lay my head to rest tonight, I am off for 2 days!

Jim & I are going to a comedy show tomorrow night in the city. With old friends who don’t have children. It should be a much needed “break.”

Photos of Elena’s very first bike ride last week, using Instagram.

I’m also still writing for Your Tango’s Love Mom Blog.

Co-sleeping

Nagging

Non-resolutions

Hey, thanks for checking these out. If you don’t click away, that cool too. I love you anyway.

I’m trying to get back into prime shape. Mostly to set a good example for Elena. Also because I’m really tired of having a muffin top.

I wrote so much here about becoming a mom and then I just disappeared. It’s understandable, I guess.

I’d like to update by saying a few things.

Breastfeeding: Still going strong at 10 months. In fact, we’re probably doing a little too well, as Elena doesn’t appreciate food or expressed milk. We’ll get there.

At some point a few weeks back, I processed her post-birth fiasco. I played it over in my head. I allowed myself to work through why it was so upsetting for me. I had a good cry. And I decided that next time I will definitely plan to give birth at home.

Elena is an amazing child. She is so determined. She’s a tough cookie. She’s probably way too much like me. I try my best to keep things safe, allowing her the freedom to touch, roam and explore. I don’t want to break her spirit…ever. This is particularly challenging around others. They probably think I’m a shit mother. I could go on about this…not now.

Like every mom, I often feeling I’m not capturing enough in photos, videos, words. Then at times I feel like I spend so much time worrying about capturing a moment, that I’m not living it.

It should come as no surprise to those who know me that I am stressing about her first birthday. I don’t like parties. “You have to have a big party with a theme.” Sigh.

I’m going to make it a priority to check in here once a week. I hope you’ll join me.

And how can I resist sharing a photo of my girl?

Today she clearly said, “JJ.” Even though mr. grumpy dog doesn’t like her very much.

She’s standing on her own for close to a minute.

Taking a step without the help of furniture just isn’t on her agenda.

The dogs bowls are the coolest objects in the house, in her opinion.

We started having dinner while she’s awake. She sits in her high chair and munches away on what I’m eating*

She lasts about 7 minutes before she has had enough. It’s only day 2. Baby steps.

On Valentine’s Day, she will be 9 months old.

Her Valentine, Daddy, already bought her her very first balloon.

* We’re still exclusively breastfeeding. Food is fun, but not too much fun. We’ll get there…me and my boobie baby.