The woman you were and the positive attitude you so beautifully displayed doesn’t just live in my memory. It’s embedded in my soul.

Her first snow…dusting, really.

Then it was 60 degrees

Helping daddy cook.

from Dr. Sacco (chief of neurosurgery and natural birth advocate)

i finally have a reason to enjoy the holiday again. of course, we cannot ever forget this…

because i can’t hog all of this beauty…

Since the beginning of the “school year” I have been looking after my second cousins. I have talked about them before, as they were the family I lived with when I first graduated from college. The girls are almost-7 and 8. I pick them up from school and keep them until my cousin is home from work.

I was really excited to take this on because I wanted Elena to get used seeing other faces on a daily basis. Staying at home and not living super close to my family means she gets a whole lot of me. all day. every day. Now she gets to see her cousins regularly. She is already familiar with the school and smiles as soon as she sees the girls.

During this time, I have learned a few things:

1 – Although we have a box of fresh pencils, we did not have a single pencil sharpener.

2 – “Oh my God” is a bad word?

But to get to my point, I noticed something the other day when the little sister wasn’t with us. The older sister didn’t shut up the entire afternoon. I haven’t heard her talk that much since she was a itty bitty girl. She just let it all out. All of her wardrobe concerns, Spanish teacher drama and why it’s okay to like iCarly even if it isn’t educational. She just went on and on and on.

After I came home, I realized it was because her little sister wasn’t around being…well, a little sister. She wasn’t there to chime in with her “Well! Actually, my teacher said” or “Olivia L. told me that…”

Little sister is definitely the “squeaky wheel.” Aren’t they always?

I called my mother and asked her if it was like this with my sister when we growing up. She said “Well, yes. You were always louder and more dramatic.”

I feel sort of bad about this. Did I keep The Neat Geek from expressing herself because I was constantly talking? Constantly vomiting my emotions – be they happy or sad, silly or angry – all over the house?

Hello, Neat Geek?

Then as I sat around, staring at my first born (fingers crossed), I remembered that later on in the afternoon, after the big sister let it all out, she started talking about her little sister. “If she were here, she would…”

Which is just adorably sweet. After all that, she missed her. Or maybe she just got tired of having to do all the talking. Either way, the experience certainly opened my eyes to the whole idea of birth order.

Annnnd my eyes are closing. Sorry, you deserve better, really.

Thoughts?

Toni was always my cheerleader. She was always there to cheer me on, no matter what I was working through. This is an excerpt from her last email to me, sent on the day of her accident. I had just discovered my oversupply issues and emailed her complaining.

“I commend you darling, I really do!  I can understand you hating it at this point, it’s very complicated.  I don’t want you to be disappointed that you’re not liking it b/c I know no matter what you wanted to love it.   There’s nothing wrong w/feeling that way.  J**** nursed up until 6 months, not solely, but majority and I figured she did b/c she loved it.  She told me she absolutely hated it, she did it just b/c that’s what she thought you should do.  Don’t put pressure on yourself, you’re giving it your all and that’s what matters the most.”

I didn’t respond, because we chatted later that evening….right up until she left for the night and got in her car. We always chatted “off the record” from the days we worked together and didn’t want our gmail conversations archived in our inboxes. I would give anything to have access to that chat, to confirm that I we wrote our usual:

“goodnight darling! love you! <3″

I miss her so much, when I really stop to think about it, my guts hurt. I wasn’t her bestest friend (although her mom calls me that, which I like), but she was mine. I felt more comfortable with her than I do with most people.

…

in the dream we talked for some time, but we were both aware that she was no longer alive. we were also both aware of the fact that we were on limited time. so we hugged several times, stayed in the embrace and kept saying: “I love you.” it was as if she answered the concern I expressed above.

at the end, we were walking side by side down a foggy street. i asked her another question. this time a very personal one. perhaps i will address it again if she gives me an answer on her next visit…

empowering our babies with rituals – I love that this doesn’t use “schedule” speak when discussing rituals. I like rituals and have been working on establishing them with Elena for weeks now. Bath night, followed by walk night. Puppy blanket for naps. Make coffee with mommy. Head out somewhere in the car between 9 and 11. Be home by 1. Schedules, especially strict schedules, are a different story. I hate schedules. I don’t believe that they go hand in hand. We can have a naptime ritual that takes place at 12:30 or 2pm, depending on how our day went. Right? Thoughts?

a letter to my friend with breastfeeding struggles - loved it! and passed it along to a friend who is nursing a newborn. he is her second child, but like the article suggests, she had amnesia and just needed some fresh new support from a breastfeeding nerd like myself.

I read this post on A Cup of Jo about taking kids outside and was convinced about the theory, as I have noticed how quickly Elena will settle down after fussing once we step foot outside. Then I read this article regarding ADHD and my mind was officially blown. It all makes perfect sense, really.

This was read through teary eyes. I had a Toni day this week. Elena and I went to visit her and RJ again and it left her on my mind all day. This always leads to thoughts about her husband and daughter. A few weeks back, I bought him Matt Logelin’s book in the hopes that it might bring him some comfort one day. I recently peeked in on his blog and noticed he was dating again. I did some searching and found that article. I have no idea what Eric plans on for his future, but I do hope that somehow, some day, he finds happiness again. I want him to have a family. I want Mia to have siblings. Toni would have wanted that, for sure.

well, that’s enough for now. I hope to write something soon.

at least one day a week i want to be a plain old stay at home mom.

then i change my mind. no, i want to be able to leave the house to work.

and by friday, i am happy and grateful with the way things are.

but it’s wednesday, so i have to go.

bye.

This comment didn’t just make me blush, it is connected to so much of what I have been reading lately. I’m not one of these new moms that owns a ton of parenting books, but because I am involved with social media geared towards parents and about children, thanks to KidCrave and my interest in natural childbirth and breastfeeding, I read a lot of articles posted online.

This one, posted in Psychology Today, sums up how I feel…and my cousin’s ideas about children.

Before I continue, I am in no way writing this to attack how you/your mother/your neighbor or you lover raises/raised a child.

I think a lot of the advice I was talking about here, can be related to this article. So many modern ideas of parenting stem from the idea that the behavior of babes should be tailor fit to your lifestyle. NO! That isn’t how it works in my book. They are new to the world, you cannot expect them to get on board with the life and the routine that took you over two decades to perfect. It’s ridiculous.

Of course there are many factors that can be thrown in to disprove this idea. I am lucky enough to work from home with my baby. No “work days” and no daycare.

A few weeks ago I made the decision to begin working at night, because Elena doesn’t nap well during the day. It felt like I was in front of the computer from the time I woke up until I went to sleep. I was, really. I was doing my best to hold, feed, distract her while getting in 10 minutes here and 20 minutes there. She wasn’t getting 100% of me and neither was my work.

Since she is very good about going down around 7pm, that was when my work day would begin. If I have to stay up until midnight, then so be it. Both things require my undivided attention.

So you see, I didn’t search for ways to train my daughter to fit into my work from home lifestyle. I imagine that some crying it out and television would get the job done…not an option. If I have to pull extra long days until she starts napping more consistently, then so be it.

She takes 20-40 minute naps all day. Very, very rarely, do I get an hour or more out of her. This is Elena. I can’t change Elena while continuing to honor my belief that babies should be treated with respect and that they should be listened to.

To some people this may just sound like I’m glorifying being a pushover. I can see that point. But this is what feels right to me. I don’t feel like a pushover. I’m compromising. I give her my day, she gives me a consistently good night.

We’re partners. We’re both new. We’re in love and we’re figuring it all out…in the way that feels best for both of us. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

Here’s a picture of my tiny partner (with my mother in law in Ocean City, NJ), just for fun : )

This part in particular resonates with me:

The greatest challenge I have found has not been meeting the needs of my child, but responding to criticisms of our parenting style.

Without going into detail and talking about anyone in particular, Elena has, at times become fussy when there are LOTS of people around. When she is being passed around from unfamiliar hands to unfamiliar hands, she has freaked out. And it doesn’t always stop right away once I get to her. It’s like she wants out of that environment and she does not settle until we are in the car. Thing is, she normally hates the car. I truly believe she just wants to get the hell home to the place where it’s just momma, daddy, jj & lucy.

Along the same lines, I have heard comments about bottles, socks and eating solids. I know my baby doesn’t need any of these things. And I do not battle with myself as to whether or not she does, but having to hear about it from outsiders? That’s when I have a problem.

Elena doesn’t drink from a bottle. I’ve tried. I’m over it.

Elena doesn’t wear socks. It’s fucking August.

Elena will not be introduced to solids until around 6 months. This means I could start earlier, I could start later. And when she does eat solids, she most certainly will not be eating table scraps just because people think it’s cute to watch a baby make funny faces and big messes. She will eat veggies, fruits and whole grains. Babies eat for fuel, not pleasure. If you come near my child with spaghetti or chocolate cake, you won’t be seeing too much of her until she’s about 3.

Whew. Vent session complete.

Then my baby guru makes me feel all better when he writes:

Eventually, your child will become the living proof that what you have done is right. As your critics see your child blossom, they will realize that your heart did indeed lead you to the right way of parenting that child. A few may even be glad that you didn’t take their advice.

Rolling over before she was even 3 months old? Yeah, maybe she wouldn’t have done that if she was always wearing socks ; )