foreshadowing
19 Jul
is it completely insane that i wrote all of this? i worried from day one. did i know?
This was a rough weekend emotionally. I know I’ll be pregnant again one day, but each day is a constant reminder that I should still be pregnant. I leave the house and it seems like every women is pregnant and every person is toting an infant. We spent a lot of time in my husband’s hometown this weekend. I have this enormous guilt about letting everyone in his family down. And of course I know they don’t feel this way and maybe there is a better term that is escaping me…but they are such an amazing family and they were so overjoyed to learn we were expecting. In their family, it was like we were all pregnant. Jim is the oldest, was the first to marry and we were going to have the first great-grandchild. If I was the bearer of all that joy, then I was the reason it all went away. The reason why talk of babies used to be fun (when are you guys going to have a baby? we could really use a baby around here, you know!) and now it’s awkward and almost forbidden.
On Friday we were out with my inlaws and I turned around to spy the tiniest infant crying hysterically. My eyes welled up with tears. I thought my mother in law witnessed this and then later, while we were standing over her shoulder making fun of the Fingerhut catalogue she was reading, I noticed that she purposely double-turned the page to skip over a two page spread on baby items.
Yeah, 7 months of trying and one miscarriage and already I’m that woman.
Just when you think your being really strong something comes along and bites you on the ass and you feel you have made no progress at all.
Over something quite silly I have been totally bereft all day and am so angry with the way things panned out!! Still tomorrow will be another day and I’m sure these days are sent to help us cope better in the end.
x
I feel your pain. Over a year of trying and just starting fertility. I currently have 7 pregnant friends who I love and adore…I just want to join their club.
Praying in expectation-
Brooke, I know you know this but I want to say it anyway. You have/had no control over what happened. That is not meant to sound harsh, believe me, it’s just awful for you to take this on as something that is your fault. Who know why these things happen, it’s fucked up. You have every right to be sad, frustrated, anxious and irritated. I would feel the same. Just try to be kind to yourself. It will happen. It will.
I totally get that. My hope for you is that the happy part of the journey–the healthy pregnancy, the birth, the baby, the kid, the teenager, the growing old and saggy bits–are so long and so ridiculously wonderful that you later look back and think, “I can’t believe I ever thought I was that person.”