Go on brush ya shoulder off
17 Feb
I know I should be cool like Jay Z, with the ability to brush my shoulder off to the people who look at me strangely when I talk about my alcoholism. I don’t need to prove to them that I am alcoholic. But at the same time, I do. It’s like they just don’t believe me. Like I’m exaggerating. Like they want to say, “So when will this all be over so we can go out for a drink?” I haven’t been giving them the satisfaction. I haven’t told them about the two mornings that I brought a sippy cup filled with a bit of vodka with me to work. I stopped at Wawa and picked up a Spicy Hot V8 – instant Bloody Mary. Or the times I drank whatever wine was leftover from the night before on my way out the door. Or about the countless times that Jim and I went to daytime parties or gatherings and I snuck a beer or captain & diet for the car ride. My bridal shower is one event that stands out. Another low was when I got drunk at my niece’s third birthday party. (hi, sister) As I left, I took a beer from the the refridgerator in her garage. I wanted to drink it on the way home. I don’t know how I thought I was going to get that past my parents who had taken the ride with me. I thought my brother in law spotted me taking it and I was so ashamed the next morning.
I could go back, way back. To my college days. But then they would just say, “Oh it was college, everyone was drunk.” Sure everyone drove to work still drunk. Everyone put a sign on the door of the eye doctor’s office they ran that read “be back in 20 minutes” just so they could take a nap and try to shake the hangover. Everyone got kicked out of the same bar – 5 times. Everyone carried on a relationship with someone for nearly a year before realizing they had green eyes, not brown. That’s what happens when you’re plastered by the time you get together.
I spent most of my adult life in a fog. No, I was never arrested – but I certainly could have been. No I never missed work because I was hungover, but I left a few times after getting sick in the bathroom. I spent hours of paid time with my head in my hands, wishing the day would hurry up. I never lost anyone that I loved because of my drinking. But three months ago, my husband packed a bag and returned to his parents home. My text that read “I want to get help” along with a plea from his parents to go home and work things out, is the only thing that kept me from that.
So, while I haven’t given them the satisfaction of these tales, I guess I just gave it to you. Then again, none of you needed it.
Thank you for reading and for your support.
I wrote this a few days back and I wasn’t sure if I’d actually publish it. Then I started reading Mary Pipher’s Writing to Change the World. Clearly, I have no intentions of saving the world here, but her introduction alone forced me to come back here and finish this post. She talks about writing to coax readers to expand their references, writing to connect and to influence. She talks about the kind of writing that I believe Stefanie Wilder Taylor is doing right now and the kind of writing she shares with us every (Don’t Get Drunk) Friday. If I could change one person’s opinion about alcoholism, then sharing personal, embarrassing tales that I’d otherwise keep to myself, is so, so worth it. No I am not a smelly bum or a broken down old lady. I’m not even a mom or a dad or a troubled teen. I’m a late-twenty-something with a pretty blog, who hangs out in coffee shops and eats organic eggs. I have a passion for style and a cool freelance career. I’m also an alcoholic.
Writing to change minds…kind of makes you think differently about your own little blog space, doesn’t it?
Great, great post, my dear.
I’ve always found great satisfaction in just “putting it all out there”. On one hand, it’s out there for all to see, thereby taking away some of its power to shame/humiliate. On the other hand, (for me anyways) facing my flaws/misdeeds like this gives me a “place” to go and remind myself of my weaknesses and less-than-stellar moments, lest I forget.
While we owe it to no one to “prove” who we are (other than ourselves), sometimes the very act of doing so is exactly what we need to gain perspective.
XO
You rock for posting this! I relate to it all. It’s not normal to obsess over alcohol like I did (and still do). Today is Day 33 of not drinking, and I never thought I would have the willpower to do this. I am proud of you for putting yourself first and the booze second.
Again, WOW.
And again, I am so proud of you – proud for being able to come out and admit all of this, and proud that you’re such a good writer.
And I asked him, he didn’t see you (and he wouldn’t judge you, he got a DWI when he was 18)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’d write more but my eyes are struggling to stay open.
This is a great post, and I really appreciate your putting it out there. I agree with you that Stefanie has done so much to connect with others out there, and you are doing the same thing. Bravo!!!
Thank you for stopping by Elizabeth, and for your sweet words!
I know I am a couple of days behind on my reading but this post is really great, Brooke. My god I can relate to what you said in the beginning about people thinking it’s a phase or something…frustrating.
Keep on writing like this and you will continue to inspire, help and change minds.
Late, schmate! I am glad you think so. Thank you.
It’s like if they haven’t seen you – lipstick all over your face, asleep face down in a bowl of cereal,taken away in handcuffs, you can’t possibly be one of those. an :whisper: alcoholic? noooo.
I have the same issue but with a different substance. Food. Which is not something you can put down and never do again. You have to wake the monster everyday. Good times. Everyone, including my skinny mum, kept on saying “you’re going overboard with this food as an addiction thing, aren’t you?” when I would refuse anything not ‘on program’. (OA program) I’d always say I’d consumed my lifetime allotment already, not to worry.
Kudos to you for keeping it up. All the best in your future.
Two weeks ago I left my husband, of 28 years, because I could no longer stand to watch his wanton self-destruction. I have lain in bed, listening as he crept downstairs to the bins hunting around for any dregs he may have overlooked – I have watched him shrink from the once proud, handsome person he once was to a shuffling wreck, no longer able to hold down a job. We had him on two detox programmes last year, once the programmes were over he went straight back to drinking – there was nothing more that I could do, so I have walked away and started to rebuild my life – on the opposite side of the fence to you! I wish you all the luck in the world – keep strong!
Michelle K & madamebutterfly – thank you so much for stopping by and for sharing your stories. addiction affects so many people in so many different ways. awareness is a great first step.