heavy heart

24 Jun

I know I promised more from this story, but I can’t create anything that’s worth anything these days. I am carrying on, but find my heart filled with incredible sadness each day.

I had to hide all pregnant friends on Facebook. I can’t stand hearing good news from the happy ones or the complaints from the miserable ones.

I am finding that like drinking, I have to take this one day at a time. A thought about a future event makes me remember, i was supposed to be 18 weeks by then. When Comcast tells me that my promotional package ends on January 5th, I have to quickly tell the man that I must hang up. two days after my due date. A mention of Jim’s 30th birthday reminds me that he always wanted to be a dad by 30 – and he won’t be.

During the next 6 months there are going to be constant reminders of where I should have been in my pregnancy. And while people try to comfort you with thoughts like you’ll be parents someday. there will be another baby – i want to shout BUT I WANTED THAT BABY. THIS JANUARY. I HAD A BABY ALREADY. I WANT THAT ONE.

9 Responses to “heavy heart”

  1. madamebutterfly 24. Jun, 2010 at 12:02 pm #

    xx

  2. erin 24. Jun, 2010 at 2:04 pm #

    oh dear gosh. I’m so sorry. If there’s anything you need or anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to contact me. oliverosetree@yahoo.com

  3. stephanie 24. Jun, 2010 at 6:07 pm #

    I can not even imagine what this is like for you. All I can say is I am so sorry. I am not a religious person. Barely even spiritual, but I really want to believe… for YOU…that this baby IS the one you will have. It will be the baby you’ll begin growing once again. You have lost something, but I want to believe it’s spirit remains within. Waiting for you to be brave and ready to start again.

    It’s posts like these that make me wish I could really be friends with (most) everyone I keep tabs on in the blogging world. It’s not fair to be so far away from people who really care.

    Email me if you want. I’ll read whatever you want to say.

    xoxo
    s

  4. Brooke 24. Jun, 2010 at 6:15 pm #

    thank you so much stephanie. i never thought of it that way : )

  5. Brooke 24. Jun, 2010 at 6:15 pm #

    and thank you to my dear madame and erin, as well.

  6. s 24. Jun, 2010 at 8:52 pm #

    Hugs.

  7. tobacco brunette 25. Jun, 2010 at 8:27 am #

    I know what you’re going through. I’m so sorry.

  8. Janice 27. Jun, 2010 at 12:14 pm #

    I agree with Stephanie.

  9. The Editor 28. Jun, 2010 at 1:11 am #

    hugs to you
    be brave, my dear
    you really are a mother already as you have tasted the bittersweet of joy and pain, all of motherhood, every aspect, angle, and perspective is just that: bittersweet

    i don’t believe those who say it gets easier, because i haven’t experienced that

    i just know it gets harder–and we get braver and stronger

penny for your thoughts