Is she alive?
24 Aug
Moments ago, I realized what the hell it is between Lucy and I. Before I begin: yes I know she’s a dog. I treat my dogs like children. If you have a problem with this and you have dogs, I feel sorry for them.
The moment I laid eyes on JJ, I cried. I was immediately attached to him. I fell in love instantly. When I met Lucy, this didn’t happen. My heart didn’t melt, the tears of joy didn’t flow. I told myself it was because of the different circumstances. I met her and her sister at her foster mother’s home. We had to decide which of them we would take home and we were sort of being interviewed. Days passed…well at this point 9 days have passed and I just don’t feel completely in love or totally connected.
She jumped off the couch last week (so brave!) and cried a little bit. Her eyes were closing and I was so, so scared. I thought she could have gotten a concussion. I put her tiny face up to the air vents and I kept her awake by talking to her. It was just before we were headed to bed, so after I put her in her crate, I went and woke her up three times over the course of the next hour. I Googled and Googled information about puppy head injuries. The thought of losing her shook me up. I thought to myself, this is love. I finally fell in love with Lucy.
Though still, nothing,
A few days ago, she jumped out of my lap and hit the floor again (I swear I’m a good puppy mom, she’s just a hell of a lot braver than JJ ever was). Once again, I freaked out. She was fine.
Nothing.
More than a few times, I’ve caught myself thinking about her dying. The groomer told me her ears were dirty and that she’s scratching at them too much. I made a vet appointment. Google “can dogs die from an ear infection.”
It just hit me.
I’m not connecting with her. I frequently have thoughts about her dying. Lemon. Duh, Lemon.
I refer to this as “awfulizing.” I do it with Madelyn, I have to stop myself. You wouldn’t do it if you didn’t love her though. I think it’s natural.
The moment will happen with Lucy, just allow it.
Thanks Clara. I have a girlfriend who almost lost her baby at 9 days old. She stopped breathing and turned blue. Two years later, she says she often finds herself staring at her little girl in utter amazement – she literally can’t believe she’s alive.