Notes from an iPhone Pt. 2
18 Jun
June 17th 10:20 am
This morning I actually got up and took jj for our morning walk. Poor guy has been so good, dealing with us being listless and me sobbing uncontrollably. I even lifted weights for a few mins. I’m a firm believer that exercise improves moods. We’re going to the beach today. We need to get out and live life. I can’t stay in bed until 1 pm ever again. Days of our lives came on and do you know the subject matter involves the same old shit from last I watched in 1998? Bo was taking about Hope.
Forget what I ever said about not working.
June 17th 12:35pm
Im astounded at the amount of inner strength that came over me this morning. I started and ended Wednesday in tears. Before bed, I told Jim that I couldn’t promise him that I won’t wake up crying in the dark again. Of course, he said “it’s okay if you do.”
I woke up at 4 again. I couldn’t cry. I didn’t want to. I didn’t need to. less than 48 hrs after discovering I would not be a momma in 6 months, I got dressed, left the house and smiled at the girl working at Wawa. I even grabbed a piece of paper to use as a bookmark and on it, wrote a single word: hope.
June 17th 8:25 pm
Self pity won’t get me anywhere. I grieved for a day and I woke up today realizing that these things happen for a reason, that the words “not fair” are fucking ridiculous. One day soon, Jim and I will be parents. I don’t know where this strength came from…I’m proud to say that it didn’t come from a faith in god. I could, of course, wake up tomorrow in tears, but I doubt it. I have too much to be happy about. And with this new realization of just how sensitive pregnancy and fertility is, I know that next time around I will be more lax about trying to conceive. I never talked about it on the blog because I felt it wasn’t right. Trying for 4 months doesn’t exactly qualify as complaint-worthy. For some couples, it can take years. Shit, some people never find love or secure a life partner. Most people don’t wake up every morning to the cutest, most loving, and certainly the happiest dog in all the world. We do. To boot, we have an amazing group of family and loved ones. Everyone has come through with incredible words of support and kindness. Each message served as a reminder that we are loved, not to mention, incredibly lucky.
I am so glad to hear all of this! You’re an inspiration.
Oh, and The Bible says that the Lord doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
God makes everything happen for a reason.
Jesus loves you.
I’m proud of you!
This post kind of makes me like you an awful lot. Without even knowing you.
well good for you for getting to the “acceptance” part of the process pretty quickly. It took me about two months to get to that point when I lost my cat a couple years ago. yes, a CAT!
Really proud of you for handling this with such grace, I’m sure there will be difficult days ahead but there are also wonderful days ahead and you will be parents before you know it.
Thank you all for your wonderful comments.
@Comagirl – I know, I have to thank Jesus for all of this ; )
@Madame I am proud of myself because you are proud – I wouldn’t want to let you down by going off the deep end : )
@Seeking/Lisa – Thanks! I like you too.
@Kamila Sweet lord, when JJ passes, I can assure you it will take a whole lot more grieving. He’s already my living, breathing baby boy. Having him to take care of has helped get me through this. He needs me, every single day…not to mention, he’s kind of obsessed with me.
I’m so happy to hear that you’re feeling better – you are a heck of a lady!