On Friends
8 Oct
I don’t have many. I could end here and we can talk about how many friends you have and wonder why I have so few. But what’s the fun in that?
I’ve never been, nor have I ever wanted to be, the kind of girl who has dozens of girlfriends. I wanted just one maid of honor, my sister, in my wedding, but Jim insisted on having more. So I chose close family members because I knew my two girlfriends would want nothing to do with a wedding. And in the end, family is always family. For me, friends come and go. Well lately, they go more frequently than they come.
I’m not some jealous female hater. Rather, I think sometimes I am just a bad friend. You see, I may not attend your bridal shower because bridal showers aren’t very much fun. If you’re celebrating your birthday with drinks and dancing, I probably won’t be there. I only dance when I drink and I gave up drinking. However, if you’re getting married, I’ll be there. If you invite me to come see your newborn, I’ll be right over to eat him up. If you want to meet at Barnes & Noble, I’m up for it. So maybe I’m a sort of fair weather friend?
I’m a homebody. I frequently make plans and then regret them the day before. I won’t cancel, but I will dread going. This will drive me to avoid making the same mistake again. Therefore, I’ll dodge plans.
I really love being home. In my sweats with my dogs, Jim and my laptop. I made the decision a while back to stop doing things out of obligation. Hence, the few friends syndrome.
However, if you’re having a bad day or are in a jam – I will be here to listen and offer up advice. You can write me a 1,000 word email, I will read it word for word and respond in bullet format. If you need style cues or want me to help you plan your wedding, sign me up.
Am I complaining? Sort of. There are days when I really want that Barnes & Noble trip. And rare moments when I could really use a girl chat. I have one friend who is equally ambivalent about leaving the house, but she’s been MIA for weeks. I need more like her. More friends who get that I am, often times, a shitty friend. And if I say “I’m just not up for leaving the house” they get it. Totally.
Lately because of financial issues, I have been kind of/ sort of/nicely saying, ”I’d rather you not go” when Jim makes plans with his friends. This has, on several occasions, caused him to fire back “maybe if you had more friends this wouldn’t be an issue.” This doesn’t hurt me in the sense that I feel bad for not having friends. It bothers me that he doesn’t get that I’d rather be home. Friendless by choice?
I am painting a horrible picture of myself, so let’s get back to my original idea. How many close friends do you have? What kind of friend are you? Honestly, do I sound like a terrible person?
We may not be alike in a lot of ways – I still use the word pocketbook, I wear flip flops all summer long and I clean my inbox out every night.
But we are alike here.
For the most part (because he’s so busy), Bill stays home with me, but I know that he’d like to go out more than me.
I look more forward to the weekends that we don’t have plans for than the weekends that we have plans for.
You’re right.
First off, let’s get one thing straight: you are not a terrible person, nor do you sound like one.
I am one of those people who has hundreds of friends. We can’t go anywhere without running into somebody that I know. I have about 4 or 5 best friends, and probably about 25 other people that I’m surprisingly close with. I’d like to think that not only am I a terrific friend, but the numbers prove it (haha).
All that said, sometimes I regret making plans too. I LOVE being home all by myself, with my kitty and my bottle of wine, and my movies and my magazines. For as social as I am, I’m a homebody at heart. It’s finding that balance that is key–making those plans, sticking with them, and realizing, “Hey! That was actually FUN!”
I sure wish we lived closer. I think we’d be great friends.
You are not a bad friend!!! I get it! Everyone needs their time at home- some more than others.
But, I wish you would meet me at Barnes & Noble at lunch once in awhile 
miss you friend!
I’ll try not to make this a thousand word comment but I am so totally the same as you. I am a total homebody. I make a nice home and I want to spend time here. I am also very low key about outings. I would rather meet a friend for a walk or a latte at Peets for an hour than deal with a whole to-do.
For 7 years I was in a relationship with a “go out guy.” He would make me feel weird about not wanting to be out or being as social as he was. It was awful. Stressful.
My husband is the same as I when it comes to home. We pretty much strip off our jeans the minute we walk in the door and put on our comfies and love love love weekend days at home, or simple trips out for ice cream.
It doesn’t make you a bad friend. It’s just part of your personality. It’s the quality of friend that you are, to those that are lucky enough to have you, that really counts. And from what you wrote, it seems like you are.
I only have a small handful friends here, and personally, that is plenty for me, for now.
Hmm. I could count on one..wait.. I can’t count anyone that I would consider a “friend” friend. I have a few old friends from days gone by and a few work friend/acquaintances. I talk to my sister several states away most daily..but that’s about it.
My bf hangs out with his brother on some weekends and I follow along, so I guess I could consider his brother my friend.
Damn, I sound depressing lol, but I am a homebody, too.
Not to me, you don’t!
I read parts of this to my husband and he said “sounds like you wrote that.” Ha. He gets it. He’s no social butterfly, hates parties. But he does enjoy meeting up with a friend at a bar or for a movie.
Name a date in the next week!
Somehow, miss social butterfly, I think we would too.
We have so much in common; it’s crazy! I don’t have many friends either. I never did. I have more friends now than ever before, but I’m still just as anti-social. I don’t know if it’s because I’m an only child, but I just prefer to be alone. I like being able to do what I want to do. It sounds cold, but it’s just the truth that sometimes I’d rather do my own thing than worry about manners and being considerate. Doesn’t mean I don’t like people, I just like them in small doses.
I think there are many people like this out there, more than you realize. I’ve felt like an old person ever since I was 19. I didn’t get the whole drinking thing, even though I did it. I always preferred to do something local if I was going out, like going for a coffee or movie, but to the big all night parties….nah. I used to have a lot of friends and I thought i was so blessed. Out of the “lot” I can say that I only have about 3, and one includes my sister. I’m getting to the point in my life where I get disappointed with people because they are selfish, but realize that that is key. I am working on being more selfish to include me ” declining ” requests to go out. My bf never agrees to a party or social gathering without asking me first because most times we don’t “feel” like it. I don’t think that makes us bad people. I think that makes us people with purpose and the ability to say no to BS. Sorry for the rambling, but I’m totally with you!
Hey Gules, thanks for stopping by. There’s no such thing as rambling on SiS!
We should make plans. If either cancels, we won’t be let down. Ha.
ha, we are a lot alike
you are not a bad friend…these characteristics you describe are the hallmarks of our tribe
i dislike going out…my most recent experience being out was last night and i would rather have been home handing out candy at my door
i am not antisocial, i crave connection, but prefer it in a relaxed, homebody, pj’s sort of way…i just don’t see the point in making the effort to get out and then just feel more isolated than i do at home by myself
i like to think that i am a great friend–i am always here if you need me and you don’t have to work hard at maintaining that connection–i have one friend from high school that i see maybe every 5 years and we pick up where we left off, no less for the absence
now that we move every couple of years, i have decided to not worry about this making and maintaining business, as well as feelings of responsibility or guilt about attendence at major gatherings, if i can connect, great, if not, that’s ok too
i know my behavior is different from most but also that i am not alone: i can be more me when i handle my life my way
(that’s a little more than a penny’s worth, i think…)
Hi Treva, I prefer a whole dollar’s worth of thought anyway, I just don’t want to sound greedy. Thanks for stopping by and for sharing. I love this: “i can be more me when i handle my life my way.”