Solitary in Sanity

Jim and I always joke that we’re totally prepared for retirement together. For many couples, staying home together day after following years of spending 40+ hours a week apart is horrifying. Us? We’re all set. I will explain in bullet format:

• Jim and I met at work. We worked in the same building for the first 3 years of our relationship. At first, it was cute, but by the time we moved in together and dinner table conversations were all about who-did-what-to-whom at work, we were in trouble.
• Two years ago, just after we returned from our honeymoon, Jim was laid off. A year later, so was I. In our defense, we’re not shit workers and we gave them our best for four years. The travel business, along with the rest of retail went to shit  and the women that run that company? Horrible pigs…but I digress.
• Given the economy and being a full-time student, Jim has never found work. He finished up his undergrad program in December and still, nothing. Now he’s all ready to head back to school for his masters and in the meantime he will substitute teach in a few area school districts. Many in-school hours will be needed for his program, so it makes sense. Most of all, I am happy that he made this decision instead of finding any old job that makes him miserable….but staying with it just because of the pay and benefits. I’m a super wife, I know. Oh, and you do remember when I told you this, so it’s not like we’re flat broke and living on the streets.

The point: If you recall, I work from home. Therefore Jim and I spend an insane amount of time together. It can make for petty, petty, did I say petty? fights. Daily. We are subjected to things that most couples aren’t. I know his daily routine along with each one of his bad habits and he knows mine. It’s pretty freaking amazing that we’ve made it this far.

The truth: When he’s gone, like right now, I miss him like Cleveland misses LeBron. Crazy? Absolutely, but at least we’re prepared for our golden years.

The beautiful Clara over at Seekingclarav tagged me in the Cherry on Top Award. I was so pleased to discover this! I came across Clara’s blog through Stefanie Wilder Taylor’s Don’t Get Drunk Fridays. Hers is one of the few blogs that I subscribe to via email, rather than in Google Reader. Sometimes, you want certain items to stand apart from the crowd, well, because they do.

Anyhoo, onto the Cherry on Top:

1) Thank the person who gave this to me: Thank you, Clara!

2) Copy and insert award into post and on blog. Done and done!

3) Name three things you love about yourself. Here’s mine:

• I love my sarcasm.
• I love my new found positive world. Lately it’s been crushing the ol’ negativity in a one-on-one match.
• I love, love my always-on-point style sensibility.

4) Post a photo that you love.

This is a photo of my niece, captured by my sister. I love that my sister has taken an interest in photography. I always admire hobbies. She’s getting better and better, I bet she even read the manual that comes with her camera. I like to think of this as her Mona Lisa. Check out Ava’s smirk. If you know her, it’s clear that that this is definitely an almost smile. She was probably about to say something like, “Moooommy NO, I am eating my sandwich.” Even though she really did want to have her photo taken anyway.

5) Tag 5 people you wish to pass this award on to:

(in no particular order. and mostly just because i want to hear their answers/want to force them to do number three because it feels good*)

• Coma Girl @ Comagirl
• Lisa @ Seeking Elevation
• Amanda @ See. Want.Take.Destroy.Repeat
• Sarah @ loveyouinthefall
• Whiskey @ Whiskey Marie

*thank goodness the what you like about yourself part wasn’t the second item on the list. wink.

I could cite several aha! moments brought on by Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. One that is resonating with me today is enjoy the process. It’s a topic that I unknowingly touched upon in this post about decorating the lemon’s nursery. Half the fun is the anticipation of the process, then the actual process. The end result, while very satisfying, is really the end of the fun. Think of the anticipation you have while planning a trip and then waiting for the departure date. It’s like a prelude to the actual fun – therefore fun in its own right.

I want to apply this to TTC (trying to conceive if you’ve never relied on the internet when trying to make a baby). I want to enjoy the process. And no, not just the sex, ya perv. The anticipation. The happiness I feel with each new cycle. While it’s always a little sad to get your period when you were hoping it wouldn’t show – that day gives you your  CD1 (cycle day 1).  If you become pregnant during this cycle, that becomes the day used to date your pregnancy. There is also great satisfaction in identifying the signs of ovulation and knowing that you got in plenty of baby-making around that time. The joy in calculating your next possible due dates if you are successful is so much fun. “We can announce it to the family on this holiday, we would be due around so and so’s birthday or just before this big event, this time next year, we could be parents.” It’s all part of the process, and I vow to enjoy it – not curse it.

This winter was so difficult in so many respects. Between getting sober, going off my meds, and trying to conceive unsuccessfully for the first 3 months of 2010, all I wanted was for it to fly on by and be over. In my defense, that is easy to do during the long, dreary winter. Nevertheless, I vow to enjoy each day of this beautiful summer and to always remember to enjoy the process.

Hmm, I’ve been wanting a new tattoo. I wonder what my sister would have to say about that…

Happy Friday, Beauties.

image via i can read

one might think it’s depressing to realize that there’s still so much left to work on. i think it’s a good thing – to never be complete. always learning, improving, striving to be better and better each day.

tomorrow is my birthday. i told jim that all i wanted was a ton of balloons and a homemade cake – chocolate with vanilla icing, topped with sparklers. if i get that, i’ll be all smiles. i swear.

Happy 28th Birthday to me. Happy Weekend to you.

photo via LBS images on flickr.

what is rubies and love songs?

A flirtation with the delightful life has inspired –rubies and love songs, a weekly post that will feature something positively uplifting, powerfully felicitous, sugary and sunshine-y, in the hopes of making you smile out loud.

I know I promised more from this story, but I can’t create anything that’s worth anything these days. I am carrying on, but find my heart filled with incredible sadness each day.

I had to hide all pregnant friends on Facebook. I can’t stand hearing good news from the happy ones or the complaints from the miserable ones.

I am finding that like drinking, I have to take this one day at a time. A thought about a future event makes me remember, i was supposed to be 18 weeks by then. When Comcast tells me that my promotional package ends on January 5th, I have to quickly tell the man that I must hang up. two days after my due date. A mention of Jim’s 30th birthday reminds me that he always wanted to be a dad by 30 – and he won’t be.

During the next 6 months there are going to be constant reminders of where I should have been in my pregnancy. And while people try to comfort you with thoughts like you’ll be parents someday. there will be another baby – i want to shout BUT I WANTED THAT BABY. THIS JANUARY. I HAD A BABY ALREADY. I WANT THAT ONE.

June 20th 10:25pm

this sucks.

With this experience, I have found religion. Post miscarriage, I believe. I believe in my body. Allow me to explain.

You may know I’m a bit of a natural, for lack of a better term. I’m not a full on vegan, composting, bike to work kind of gal, though I do help the environment by working from home – wink. I practice a fairly healthy lifestyle. I believe in eating food with the fewest possible ingredients, looking to my diet before consulting a doctor about an ailment, breathing deeply when I’m feeling overwhelmed, taking a walk before taking an advil, saying no to a plastic bag whenever necessary. Along the same lines, I am very passionate about natural childbirth. We planned on a birth center birth, in an effort to avoid unnecessary medical interventions during labor and delivery. So when we got the news that our baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks, I immediately knew which option I’d go with. The OB at the hospital that my midwife sent me to after observing that my uterus was not where it should be, said I had three options. (that sentence is weird, i’m over it) She said I could 1.wait it out, and that there was no harm in doing so, as my body will do what it has to. 2. Have a D&C. 3. Take some pill to induce the miscarriage. Clearly, I went with option one. I have a history of cervical issues and I did not want anyone manipulating it further.  I also didn’t want any procedure holding up our efforts to try conceiving once again. Going the natural way means you can get back to bed that much quicker.

With this information and newfound sadness in our hearts, we came home on Tuesday night and grieved. Together, we spent the following day grieving, crying, trying to make each other laugh, getting angry and at last, talking about our future as parents. Knowing that we couldn’t stay in the house any longer, we decided to head to the beach on Thursday. Jim is not a fan of lying on the beach, but was excited to show me around the boardwalk where he spent his summers as a kid. We laid on the beach and had lunch, then we packed up and strolled the boardwalk. We both got a little of what we wanted. We were happy, smiling, and healing with the help of some old fashioned vitamin D.

That night before I got into bed I started cramping pretty badly…

and with that I’ll stop. more tomorrow.