Sobriety: 1 Year Later
1 Jan
I still haven’t let it sink in. Today marks one year. One year since this – evidence that I started off 2010 feeling angry, guilty, let down by myself once again. What a difference a year makes. Angry still happens daily and passes, but I wake up each morning with a clear head and filled with positivity, even if I wish it was 9:30 instead of 7:30.
Giving up drinking was definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Marking 2010 as my most challenging right from the start.
It came in like a lion
After the disappointment I felt on New Years Day, I decided that was it. I was done. No more broken promises, no more “I’ll have this many, by this time” games. Done. I didn’t make any promises to anyone or grand announcements. I just stopped.
A few days into the year, Jim and I decided it was time to make a baby. We were tired of putting it off and waiting until everything was absolutely perfect financially. I had gone off the pill in October and there were no accidents. It was time to get down to business.
Planned sex, abstaining from coffee (on top of booze!), leaving behind the Paxil I’d come to love. Peeing on sticks, crying at the sight of red. 3 months of let downs. Then – a blue cross! Hooray! Share the news, buy clothes, decide on names.
Even in June, the lion continued to roar.
Bleeding, followed by: “Your uterus just doesn’t feel like it’s where it should be for 11 weeks.” Our first baby was gone.
I spent days in tears. An entire summer filled with sadness. Though in spite of all this, I don’t remember feeling the anger I felt at the start of the year. This was because in January, along with getting sober and making a baby, I made another quiet decision: I wanted to start anew.
It became clear to me that getting sober wasn’t going to happen until I rid myself of the negativity that had plagued me for years. I began rubies and love songs, and even on days when finding something cheerful to post seemed impossible, I stuck it out – missing just one week last month.
If it weren’t for this commitment to seeing the best in things, I know for sure that I never would have made it through the first few months of sobriety, let alone been able to deal with my miscarriage. I’m so grateful for that. :pats self on back:
The Lion grows tired and shuts up
My summer ended with the celebration of my mother’s 50th birthday, and another pregnancy. That same weekend, I became pregnant again, just 10 weeks after the loss of our first baby. How lucky?
The fall was spent worrying. Sure I was excited, but mostly, I worried. Then as this trying year came to a close…
The Lion was replaced with a lamb
We saw our beautiful baby girl on the screen, alive and well, and growing, just as she should be.
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There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about having one, or three. I miss drinks. What I don’t miss is what comes along with them. And after the year I’ve had – the growth, the new found strength, the amazing insight – I really can’t imagine going back, or having to start again. I’m truly happy, even when I’m sad. Which is the opposite of being inherently angry, even when you’re happy.
So why isn’t the magnitude of one year sinking in? Why am I not extra emotional or overflowing with pride? Because I know there’s still work to do, there always will be. And that’s alright.
I love reading your posts. Congratulations on your year of sobriety, and blessings to you, your husband, and your bambino.
Thank you!
Always work to do. Always. Work. To. Do.
Not fair, not fun, but in every situation- totally worth it.
Keep up the good fight, sugar.
You have no idea how proud I am of your success over the past year, despite the loss you experienced. You are an inspiration for all. Your determination and willpower are those of a lion, yet you’re style one of a Lilly
I cannot wait for the many exciting endeavors that 2011 will bring you. But, most importantly I cannot wait to meet your precious baby girl, and see you doing what I think you will do best…Be the best momma a little girl could ever wish for.
what a huge year you’ve had. it sounds like you’ve made some life changing decisions and it’s all worked out in the best way possible. congratulations and i hope things get easier and funner (with a new baby, i’m sure there will be tons of funny moments) in 2011. <3
So very happy and proud of you. Man, what a year. My wish for you on this “birthday” and for many years to come is that you continue to be truly happy. Your world is about to explode with love and beauty. Congratulations. You deserve all the good things now and the ones coming your way.
Thank you everyone! It has been quite a year. Each and every one of your comments and emails has certainly helped to move me along in the right direction. xoxoxo.